Healthy, Happy and Sober

Happy Sober Anniversary To Me!!

2009-02-24T12:06:00.003-05:00

It's been a year. Thank GOD it's over! Too much pressure. Now I can go on living this wonderful life. And I can now raise my hand proudly when asked at meetings "Everyone who is sober for more than a year, raise your hand." Picking up chips every three months is great, but towards the end, I just wanted that damned blue chip! hehehehe

Anyway, I was thinking, last night, about what has changed in a year. Here goes:

1. My stomach doesn't feel like I've been drinking acid.

2. My brain doesn't feel like it's filled with muck.

3. I don't have to avoid phone calls from bill collectors (cos there aren't any)

4. People respect me and my opinion cos it's not angry or pitiful.

5. I'm sooo back in school, baby! Did I tell you I got my certificate for being on the Dean's List? So sweet!

6. Interning at a rehab and helping people who are where I was before is so very rewarding. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up (if that ever happens!)

7. I love being absolutely exhausted from being too busy with all that I do and not cos of yet another hangover.

8. I have friends who actually care about me, and that I care about, now. I didn't before. I can see the difference.

9. God (of my understanding) is with me in every breath I take and everything I do. I feel His love always and find comfort with that. One of the greatest things I learned in the rooms is that He always loves me and wants only the best for me. :o)

10. After all of the graces that I've received in the last 365 days (who's counting?), I KNOW anything is possible cos I've seen it! It's not just a saying.
I wish I had written down all of the things that have happened in the last year, cos every day something, whether large or small, has hammered that phrase home to me. Whether it's getting into school or, when I had no idea whatsoever how I was gonna pay the rent and then, just enough but not more, it's come to me, weird things just keep happening!

Case in point, I was backed up with school work this weekend so I called out of work. Worried about how I was gonna pay the rent, I get this email saying I didn't file my state taxes yet. I completely forgot! Anyway, I'm getting back $20 more than what I need to pay the rent. Freaky, I tells ya!

Anyway, I'm gonna go get ready for the festivities. The ex is taking me out for some dead cow's prime rib. mmmmmm for now. When I, eventually, go vegetarian, I'll rail against such statements. But, for now, it's my damned anniversary and I want to harden my arteries, so tough patooties. :o) Then I get to pick up that aforementioned blue chip with all of my AA buddies cheering me on. God is truely Great!

What A Day!

2009-01-21T01:50:00.005-05:00

AND

The Empyrean by John Frusciante (an absolutely amazing cd).

Back To School...

2009-01-10T00:08:00.002-05:00

I was over at Syd's blog, checking his blog roll, when I noticed that it's been 5 days since I last posted. Shame on me!

Yes, indeed, school is starting back up again (Thank GOD!). Seriously, everything I had planned on doing during this time off has not gotten done. All I've accomplished is the fine art of staying up till 5:30am on nights I don't have to work the next day, and then scrambling on the eve's before I do to get to sleep before midnight. I've smoked too much, exercised not, blogged not much and read nothing. Cool, huh? Accomplishing nothing isn't a bad thing. I've stayed clean and sober and that's all that matters. And I'm having a grand old time with life.

Something weird happened today, tho. Things took a financially catastrophic turn for the horrible and? Not a bead of sweat. A few chuckles, but not a worry. I tell ya, if this had happened 11 months ago, when I was still using, wo ho ho! I would have decompensated into a shimmering puddle on the floor! But, in the grand scheme of things, what happened today is really nothing. It's money matters, which will always happen so what's to worry about? It'll work itself out. Life is great, isn't it? (This cold weather, on the other hand. Not so great. I miss the summer.)

So, all in all, not much to say other than Yippee! at another 24 hours of sobriety! God is Great!

(Only 10 more days until John Frusciante's The Empyrean CD comes out! I've heard samples and I'm excited beyond words!!!)

Bluetooth And Binaural Beats

2009-01-04T22:32:00.003-05:00

So, I had a crappy day at work and thought I deserved a new toy to play with. Hence the bluetooth ear thing to accompany my newish LG enV...

The enV! I forgot to relay my enV story! Where is my mind?? I'm due for a new phone in April. I want to try different ones before I get it (I'm going with the Voyager. It lets me tap the screen with fake nails.) My niece got a new phone so I asked her for her old enV. Only problem is that it kept shutting off. So I bring it to Verizon and they say it needs the software upgraded. Fourty-five minutes later, they tell me they fried the phone. Ah well, no biggie. Getting upset wont fix it, so I dont bother. It wasn't intential. So, they gave me a new one, for which I've spent countless hours recoding videos and music so it will play on it. Having a 4gig micro sd card to fill, we're talking alot of hours. That and making my own ringtones.

So, I got this bluetooth thing. Now, I've never liked them cos theres the brain cancer I'm sure I'll get from using it but, also, I don't like sounding like I'm on speaker-phone. But all reports point towards it being all good. Maybe I'm just deaf (maybe?? haha!) and I couldn't hear the person talking that had one of these on. Either way, maybe now I'll be able to tolerate being on the phone now that my hands are free to type while I talk.

The other thing I got was new speakers for my laptop. Since I've filled my ipod up with vids and music and audiobooks, I'd like to be able to listen to it occasionally thru speakers and not those annoying earbuds (especially now that one ear is filled with said bluetooth thingy). More importantly (to me) is that I like to listen to Binaural Beats. There are times that I enjoy relaxing deeply while staying awake. So, now I can listen to different kinds while laying down. So I put the old speakers in my bedroom, one on either side of the bed. Sweet!

Speaking of sweet, school starts next week. Yippee! I have found, during this time off, that I really need structure. Otherwise I stay up until 6am on the computer, futzing. Or I get bored and spend money on new crap to occupy my brain.

Anywho, off to play. Till next time...

I'll Always Think Fondly Of 2008...

2008-12-31T21:48:00.002-05:00

... cos, after all the times that I tried to get sober, this was the year that I finally did it! And, theres school too. And happiness. And healthiness. And blogging.

And I have God back in my life.

I'm sorry alot of people are suffering because of the state of the economy. But, like I keep saying, it was about time that we got less dependent on money and more dependent on ourselves for fun, entertainment and overall mental good health.

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful 2009. Including me. :o)

Time For New Years Resolutions

2008-12-29T00:03:00.002-05:00

Some people tell me to keep this simple but, really, I got clean and sober and back into school. What more do I really want out of life? Well, I'll tell ya:

New Years Resolutions:

1. Exercise and healthy eating - I've spent the last 10 months basking in the glory of meetings and school without getting my lazy butt into exercising while consuming massive quantities of soda and crap. Time to stop all that. I'm sluggish from too much caffeine and sugar. I'm terribly out of shape (and I'm 47, so I really feel that). So:

Quit soda and coffee.
Get back into Ashtanga Yoga
Get back onto treadmill

2. Work on quitting smoking - My dad died when he was 57 and my mom at 67. Bad eating, no exercise and smoking/drinking were the culprits. I've always been healthy minded, even when using, but those were half hearted attempts at best. Like a junkie who's afraid of being dope sick so they stay on the dope, I continue to smoke for fear of suffering the inconvenience of withdrawal. Well, it's time to mature up and get over it. I'm out of breath most of the time and have a cough I can't shake.

3. Give up meat - Fish is ok (salmon, tuna, sardines, etc). My cholesterol is high. Nuff said. Veggies/fruit are the way to go.

4. Work on my "program" in a less haphazard fashion.

5. Strive for structure in my life - where there is none whatsoever. I sleep when I want, wake when I want, I live "on the fly" all the time. Hard to stick to the above mentioned plan, living like that. This should be as difficult as quitting smoking.

Ok, there ya have it. My plan for 2009. Not so much to work on, hmmm? I've got the gym equipment, the yoga matt/dvd's/books, 2 weeks worth of nicotine replacement patches, lotsa fish and veggies in the freezer, meeting lists and calendars galore. All that's needed is motivation. We'll see how that goes. Till then, I'm finishing all the ice cream and cookies in the house. mmmm...

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T12:03:00.002-05:00

What a wonder! I'm sober and the only hangover I have is from the massive quantities of caffeine I drink. Live is truely a wonder.

I am grateful for:

1. Having God back in my life
2. Ten months of sobriety (lawdy lawd, what a gift!)
3. Sober friends a person could only dream of having
4. My family, sober for the most part (found out my heroin addicted brother is on suboxone for the last year. Sweet! Baby steps...)
5. School (yippee!)
6. The food I'm gonna eat in a couple of hours (I'm running late, as usual)
7. The friends I've met thru this blog
8. Still having a job while most dont
9. My wonderful children
10. Another day above ground!

You all have a wonderful day!

And The Grades Are In...

2008-12-23T00:59:00.002-05:00

Firstly, I'm nearing being very sick of crocheting. I've just finally finished making a blanket for the hubby and two last gift ideas for the boys: scarves. I think I'm done for a while (as I plan on starting blankets for the boys).

I decided to pop in a few vids to get me in the mood to hammer thru this crocheting. And what did I watch most of the day, you wonder? Well, after Jesus Christ Superstar and 5 hrs of Jesus of Nazareth to get me in the holiday/Jesus mood, I then watched 5 more hours of EC F'n W!! Hardcore wrestling is nothing without ECW, I tells ya! There is nothing like a cheesegrater across the forehead to make you feel you're alive, ya know? Excellent violence there. :o)

And, you ask? So what are the grades? 4 A's, baby! My GPA is 4.0!!! No stress on keepin that up, huh? hahaha Freakin astounding, I tell ya. And I thought I was far too fried to get even a C. Lotsa pride, interspersed with a healthy dose of humility, I assure you. God is Great!

Since I could never impress, with words, just how I'm feeling about this, I'll not try. Suffice it to say, I'm pleased.

Another hour of hardcore ECW blood, gore and violence and then I'm off to beddy-bye. Sleep well all!

Schools Out

2008-12-19T06:44:00.004-05:00

Ahhhh I made it through my first semester. Yippee! That was fun! Now it's time to get back to some serious blog commenting. I've been shirking my duties for a while, for which I feel sufficient guilt. Hopefully, it's out of the lurking shadows and back into the commenting light.

Hmmm... what's been going on. Not much, other than school, meetings and barely working. My job said if I stop with my classes and meetings, I can go back to full time. I'm not sure if asking me to give up my education and sobriety is legal or not, but when they fought my ability to get unemployment, I felt tempted to find out. I've just been too busy to start anything. That and I'm just not in a place, mentally, to fight anyone. I used to be, when I was using. A friend said that I was letting people walk all over me by not fighting back, but I don't see it that way. God has been providing for me since I got sober (and before that) so, if it's His will that I fight this, then I will. But I feel that this cut back is His way of my gently separating myself from something that used to be my entire life for 5 yrs. The deeper I get into school and the glory that is my sobriety, the less tolerance I have for my job and the petty crap that goes along with that. Ah well, no biggie. I can still pay my rent and still eat, so I'm not worried.

I must comment about something that happened the other day. I watched television. The first time in 10 months. And, I've gotta tell ya, it was not good. I watched a Sesame Street special and some show called Life. Between the commercials and the way the shows were laid out, I felt like I'd been repeatedly slapped about the head with a heavy, wet, slimy fish (what's with me an fishies lately?). Well, needless to say, I wont be repeating that little experiment anytime soon. I saw that I've not missed anything by remaining tv free. I did notice that the idea of "the last time I did this, I was drinking" did pop into my head. Not a comfortable feeling.

Anyway, I've got an hour before I have to show back up at (ugh) work. Until then, keep warm and try and drag your favorite set of lips over to the mistletoe. :o)

I Killed My Fish!

2008-12-04T23:14:00.003-05:00

:sob: I finally decided to clean the fish tank and change the filter unit, cos it had died. A half hour later, I see out of the corner of my eye something that looks like a little water balloon in the tank. It was the big silverfish, floating. Upon closer inspection I saw two other fish, dead, and two dying. I had to sit down and work up the courage to start taking the dead out. I just cannot relate how horrible that was. I'm not well with death on a good day. This was just so sudden.

Of course, since I didn't feel bad enough, I thought I'd call my ex, the "dry" alkie, since they were his to begin with. I'm sure, now that I think of it, I could have called someone else who might have made me feel worse about it. Fortunately, a more insensitive bastard doesn't come to mind. He was nice enough to tell me several times just how much I ruined his night.

I'm not sure what happened, but I'll just have to pick up (after this last poor fishie finally gives it up, poor guy)and scrub the tank clean and start all over again. I guess. I'm still leaning towards plastic plants instead of living creatures.

Poor little fishies. :o(

Who Ordered The Frost??

2008-12-03T11:23:00.005-05:00

Lawdy Lord! Twenty-six degrees out there this morning! Almost makes me think it's too cold to smoke outside! Nah, that's a lie. Never too cold to smoke at work. It's almost a necessity to smoke at work!

Isn't life wonderful? I mean, really. I saw the sunrise this morning at work. It was just beautiful. It's a great day to be alive and sober, isn't it? Yes it is.

The company Christmas party is this Sunday. Should be a hoot. Lots of food and hangin with the homies. Lots of prizes etc but I'm there for the food, thanks. I'm bringing my baby boy, who was my guest last year as well. The boy turns the big 20 on Saturday! He thinks he's having a blowout at his dad's house while his dad is at work but, hopefully, his dad will be home. Not my issue, though.

While I wasn't thrilled about having my hours cut at work, I have easily fallen into the life of a part-timer here. I have things I want to do today so, of course, I'm getting my procrastination on and I'm here blogging instead of decorating. I'm gonna do it tho, decorate that is, as soon as I'm done here. I swear I am. And then study for finals.:o)

Alright, alright, I guess I've gotta get started. I'm gonna dig out some holiday music and string dem lights. Yippee! ::or take a nap::

See ya!

Accident, Weirdness and Green Chips

2008-11-24T15:42:00.003-05:00

Oy Vey! Where Has the time gone??

It's been a while since I've been in school. I forgot that the first couple of weeks are mellow, quickly followed by SLAM! Hoy! My head is spinning. But I'm still hangin on to my 95 average. By the tips of my fingers, but I'm still hangin on.

Had an accident with the car. My poor sweet pimpmobile (Echo). Slammed it into a solid object, I did. And now I'm forsaking it for another (rental). Nice car (G6), but it's not my highly economical Earth friendly cruiser, so there'll be no replacing, hopefully. It had to happen, though, cos I paid my car off in October.

Weirdness is when your ex-boyfriend from when you were 18, who has lived in Germany since that time, calls your ex-husband looking for you. So weird that said ex-husband has to come over to videotape your reaction just so he can spread said video to all my sisters for their enjoyment. Bastard! hahaha kidding. I just got off the phone again with the guy. Very weird/interesting.

Guess who picked up a green chip today! Yup, it was me. So much pressure, when they say that "people rarely pick up a green chip" and mine is looming in the near future. But I maintained and got it! Yippee for me! :o)

As for work, they made me a part-time employee without telling me. So, instead of 38 hrs I'm scheduled for 12 a week. Sweet! Wonder how I'm gonna pay rent/bills/the $500 deductible to get my car fixed/etc. But? If I were drinking/using, I'd be freakin. Now? Not sweating it one bit! I mean, really! Not even a drop of sweat. It is what it is and it'll all work out, somehow. If God wants me to be broker than broke, than broker than broke is what I'll be. Ah well. I woke up today and so did my kids. All else matters not to me.

So, on that cheery note, I'm off to study for class tonite. Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night. :o)

:Sniffle: Positivity Abounds!

2008-11-06T22:41:00.002-05:00

Why is it, for all the time that I drank, I never got sick? And, now that I'm sober, I'm sick as a dog? Just curious. Maybe my body couldn't handle feeling like crap on top of crap? Whatever.

So, I'm sick. Sniffley, sneezy, fever, aches, yada. Not as bad as a hangover, though. No feelings of letting myself down when I wake up sick, ya know?

I just love the feelings of unity and possibility that seems to be hanging over humanity since the election. I just hate the rampant bigotry that is being voiced, too. That's too bad, but there is strength in unity, so I'll just ignore the negativity and continue to have hope for the future for all people.

While I do write this blog for me, to record my random thoughts, I do want to thank those of you that posted your thoughts on my last post. You are all too kind and they helped me alot. :o)

Went back to work today, which was good. I really can't have that much time to myself (see previous post). I need structure. Oh, and the state of retail is not good, so I'm very thankful to have a job.

Snarfling off to beddy bye now.

And Then Depression Set In...

2008-11-03T22:10:00.002-05:00

Oy! And I was doing so well.

I go to class tonite, where the topic was gonna be Opioids and I just panicked. Cold sweat, racing heart, mild depression, sick. I asked the teacher if that was the topic and if we were gonna watch a movie on it. He said yes. I told him I couldn't stay (he knows my situation). His eyes got wide and he said he was gonna do the lecture first and I just felt trapped and said I had to leave. He said he understood. I got to my car and felt like a spineless wimpy child. When will this ever end?!?!

I told myself that I've only been clean and sober 8 months. I did just get my period. I've been cleaning like a mad-woman. My vacation is almost over. I've been at a dead run since school started in August. And, to top it all off, I had dental work today, so I had opiates on the brain (or, the lack thereof) since early this morning.

I texted a friend who didn't get back to me. My sponsor is too busy and my new sponsor (cos the other one is so busy) doesn't know me that well and I didn't feel like explaining myself, so I called neither.

I came home and read blogs (just to get out of my own head) and did my nails. My friend got back to me and told me to blog about it and to write a gratitude list, so here I am. I'm so afraid of sinking into depression that I'm sinking into depression. Argh! Mebbe it's the election tomorrow. Who knows. I know what it's not, tho.

Gratitude List:

1. It's not a hangover that's causing this mood crap.

2. If nothing else, I am free to vote for whomever I wish tomorrow without fear of retribution. God Love American Freedom!

3. I have meetings all day, every day, to go to when I need to.

4. I have many friends to call when I need them. (and some who won't stop texting me while I try to do what she told me to do.)

5. I have my BB and Grapevines to read to help me make sense of what I'm feeling.

6. My boys are healthy and safe.

7. This will pass. And if it doesn't, I can get non-narcotic meds if need be.

8. I didn't find it necessary (didn't even think of as a matter of fact) to drink or drug because of it.

9. Because of this, I have the opportunity to see that I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and know that I have to work on that. Progress, NOT perfection.

10. The election is over after tomorrow. YEAH!

Ok, I feel somewhat better. I'm going to bed. Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

The Bedroom Switch

2008-11-02T21:18:00.002-05:00

This deserves a post of it's own, it's so ridiculous. Laugh at my expense please.

Ok, so I rent a large two bedroom apartment. I had the master bedroom with the bathroom and the boy had the smaller bedroom with the bathroom in the hall. Since I booted the boy out to his dad's, I turned his room into a gym that I faintly felt guilty for never entering several times a day. So, fool that I am, I switched bedrooms today. Since I'll still be using the bathroom in my old room, I will now have to face my laziness everytime I have to shower/pee. Stellar thinking on my part, huh? Better would have been sticking the gym in my local FasMart, right next to the Dr. Pepper dispenser! hahahaha shit. I crack my self up sometimes!

fun times :o)

Hair Update, etc.

2008-11-02T20:43:00.002-05:00

Is it the mayo? Is it the egg? Is it the rosemary water I make lovingly for the tresses? Or is it the Frizz-Ease hair serum? Oh, gimme a break here! I know I said "only natural", but my hair looks freakin fabulous, so don't even start with me. Yup, that's the combo to go with. Lovely tresses shall be yours, I swear. Bear in mind, (justifying statement) my hair before this was so unhealthy from the drugs/alcohol that it just looked dull and fried. Now it looks and feels just wonderful. I'm giddy!

Took my second test in Intro to Drug Use. Got an 88. With the 104 prior, I'm at 96, test wise. It'll haveta do. :o) I'm over 95 in all my classes. Seriously, if someone would have told me 8 months ago "Look. Get off the crap and you'll be an A student before you're clean 9 months" I would have cried in disbelief. Pinch me!

Hmmm... lets see. What else?

Thank GOD the elections are in two days!!! This country needs a serious dose of "Get A Grip"!!! When did the email go out that anyone is entitled to insult and strongarm others into voting for their candidate? What the Hell?? My family are sending hateful emails to each other over this crap! It is no one's damned right to know who I'm voting for and I did not ask for unsolicited advice so stop giving it to me, thank you very much! Obama's black and McCain is old. There. No need to spend millions to get that point across again, k? Sheesh! grumblegrumblegrumble

Ahem. Where was I? Hair... grades...

Oh. hehehe I'm working on conning my twin to take a vacation with me next year, after I finish school. hahaha Europe? A cruise? Our dream of fishing for salmon in Alaska? Hell no! hahaha Wish me luck on getting ms. pampered to volunteer at a needle exchange program in Cali! I think it can work cos a) I've not gone on vacation in many, many years so I'll be playing on her excitement of my leaving the state and b) she wont have to spend alot of money. And I'll be sober, so tough shit, I get to pick. If we survive that, then we can go to Jerusalem to walk the path of Jesus, like she wants to do.

Ok, fun times are over. Back to rearranging furniture. I've only run over and bloodied two toes. Eight more to go!

I'll be back before the election, I swear.

Whatta Blast!

2008-10-22T22:46:00.005-04:00

Guess what I did today??? How'd you know? Yes, I got my fearful yet hopeful old butt on a scooter today! It was fabulous. A friend from the rooms spent the day with me, teaching me not only how to ride but how to conquer my old fears of getting killed on one of these beasts. I drove absolutely everywhere! On major roads even! Crazy stuff, kiddies. Crazy indeed. I'm still kinda fearful cos I'm not used to it but certainly not like I was this morning.

In my quest to be riding and owning a motorcycle by next spring, another friend, whose bike I'll be buying, is gonna teach me how to ride that next. Glad I decided to do this in 40 degree weather. That wind whipping around was interesting.

Oh, by the way, I finally finished that blanket I started on when I first got sober. Unfortunately, it was supposed to take me longer so I could wrap it across my knees at the meetings while I worked on it. I never was good at timing. Have a gander:

Here's the pattern, so I don't forget:

Onward and ever upward.

I'm Going Natural...

2008-10-20T17:12:00.003-04:00

...On my face and hair, that is. Try to follow me on this one. I just got a hair cut and it looks great. Only problem is that I'm over 40 which means my hair is not as thick as it used to be. And it's kinda stringy. Now, I've spent some quality money on hair products to make it look better, but, while it is shinier, it looks weighted down and kinda greasy and stringy. So, I'm going back 30 years (when I only used herbs instead of chemicals) and ditching the products, for the most part.

I'm not going out and buying 10 lbs of soapwort to replace the shampoo. I'm just smothering my hair in mayo, egg and ground rosemary (if anyone is gutsy enough to try this and you're blond, use chamomile. Rosemary is for dark hair). Wrap head in plastic bag (head. not face.) Leave in at least an hour then rub shampoo in, add water, lather, rinse, repeat with the shampoo, then rinse with rosemary water (boil rosemary in water, let cool).

For my face I ground some lavender, chamomile, rosehips and oatmeal (not the instant crap) and mixed in some pink clay (half French white clay/half Moroccan red clay). Add a little warm water, make a paste, slather on face and neck. Rinse off after 15 min. Add moisturizer.

I'll let you know how it works after a week. I expect shiny hair and a glowing complexion. Or else!

p.s.: Yes, I do have homework that I'm avoiding. Thanks for asking. :o)

Procrastinating, yet again...

2008-10-13T22:28:00.002-04:00

Midterms tomorrow and what am I doing? You guessed it! Chillin on the net, reading blogs. Gah! Course (get ready for justifications), I did study today when I got home from work at 10am (after an hour and a half on the net). And (getting whiny now) I have been up since 4am and I just got home from class and it's 10:30pm and... nevermind. I'm getting up early in the AM to study.

Tonites class was about Tobacco. Yes, two hours of discussing all things tobacco without a cigarette break anywhere in between. Someone has a sick, twisted sense of humor and it surely wasn't me. I nearly took flight right out the door by hour 1. :o)

The DOW is up and gas prices are under $2.90. Life is good. Stream of consciousness much?

Anywho, I'm off to bed. Gonna get some quality Grapevine time in, then hopefully I'll be snoring by midnight.

Completely Fed Up With Fear Mongers!

2008-10-11T22:39:00.002-04:00

Pardon this rant, but I've had enough with the incessant fear-mongering thats going on in this country!!! I want to know what in the hell the point is in making everyone so paranoid. People aren't broke, as evidenced by all the customers at the store and other stores in the neighborhood. Cheaper gas has everyone out on the roads, enjoying the great weather. Food stores have food on the shelves and people shopping there. Best Buy is doing a booming business down the street. Kids are hanging out at the malls and the movie theaters. The restaurants have customers.

And yet, all I read on cnn.com, msnbc.com, etc. is how horrible everything is. That it's time to panic. The economy is falling apart. Yes, I understand how bad things are right now, but I also know that shacks selling for 250k had to end sometime, too. Huge gas guzzling vehicles, mega vacations on maxed out credit cards and over-priced homes had to stop. Maybe I'm being naive but isn't it time we all learn to appreciate what we have and stop trying to over do it with money we didn't have to begin with?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that losing half your 401k or savings or being foreclosed upon is not a big deal. It is. I understand that. I'm just saying that if you're worried about the economy, that's ok. It just seems to me that the media is making it worse. I want to know what's going on. I don't want to read people's opinions on when I should panic, tis all. Just give me the facts. I'll plan my own nervous breakdown, thank you very much.

Please, don't anyone slam me over this post. I know people who've lost money, too. This is just my humble opinion.

rant over

Another Beautiful Day

2008-10-06T09:36:00.003-04:00

Isn't it just beautiful out today? Crisp, clean air. Bright sunny skies. I just wanna give a huge, wet, sloppy kiss to this time of year. I feel somewhat alive and full of things I wanna do. Like:

I'm working on quitting my massive quantity of soda today. I'm tired of being sluggish till I get my morning coffee, only to crash mid-day till I get my soda on at night. Then I never feel rested cos I'm moving a mile a minute while I sleep. So, I'm buying a liter bottle of water at Fasmart (instead of my soda for breakfast. I'm off today so I'd skip the coffee and head straight into the double gulp) and I plan to drink at least two of those today. All in preparation for quitting cigs at the end of the month.

Here's the plan, as it pertains to weight gain, on quitting smoking. Each double gulp has 600 calories and 60 grams of sugar. I drink 2 a day. So, if I eat more food in place of smoking, I can eat 1200 calories and not 120 grams of sugar and be ok, yes? I'm gonna stock up on shoestring carrots, cans of baby corn, celery and fruit. Lots of quinoa and brown rice with veggies for main meals and maybe, just maybe, I'll start exercising again. There. I have a plan. Eight months of sobriety is long enough to be wallowing in chocolate, soda and laziness.

So, back to this beautiful day. Gonna hit a meeting and then it's off to a Civil War sight to just walk under the trees and listen to the silence. Did I mention that I love the fall weather? Then my beloved school, homework and just chillin. Yippee for days off from work!

God Plays Matchmaker

2008-10-04T22:05:00.003-04:00

So, I was working on Friday and these two women were looking at these huge pots of mums. I see there's a cartoony type thing on one of the women's shirts and I see the word "recovery". So I get closer to her and then I ask her where she got the shirt. Long story short, she and her CA group made it. She's from Indiana visiting her sister and by the way, did I know of any CA groups in the area. The one CA meeting here follows some kind of use management type thing, where you can manage your using or some such you know what. But I told her about the meeting I was going to that night, yada yada we had a ball! I got all the women to put their names and numbers in the meeting booklet for her and now she has a meeting list for her vacation! Isn't that sweet? Then, work being work, I really didn't wanna go to the meeting last night but I had told her I was gonna so I went. Which was great cos this kid who keeps doing the doorway dance happened to be there. It was great to see him, if only to see that he was still amongst the living. He didn't pick up a white chip, so I guess he's not done yet. Ah well. I'm glad that she prayed for help from God and I was there to help her. Mind blowing to me cos I prayed that same prayer over 7 months ago and my answer came out of a stall in the bathroom where I work (my first sponsor). Only God could keep track of all of these lines of communications.

So, I go to the meeting tonite early, as I usually do, to help set up. Instead of waiting for the woman who normally sets up to get started, I started without her, which is a good thing cos she never showed up. Then some poor kid was at the meeting and boy did I feel bad for him. He told my story indeed! What a mess he was. The meeting was packed, as usual, and everyone that shared did their best to show him that we all really were where he is now. Lots of good fellowship there tonite. I hope he gets it.

Hmm.. what else. I was gonna work 15 hrs today, since I'm broke, but I just had this feeling that I needed to be at that meeting and that my priorities were getting screwed up if I was choosing money (tho I need it) over fellowship (need that more). Just God tapping on the old grey matter, yet again, and sending me where I need to be. How He has time for you all when he's so focussed on me is a wonder. :o)

K, gotta sleep. Opening tomorrow so I can do the homework, that I've had no time to do, tomorrow afternoon.

The Country Is Up In Arms

2008-10-01T22:49:00.002-04:00

Oy! The Senate passed the bailout and folks are not happy. I'm not an economics major so I'm not gonna comment on whether it's good or bad. That and, believing everyone is entitled to an opinion, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to force mine on anyone. But I've been reading people's comments about this on Cnn.com, Msnbc.com and my personal favorite, PerezHilton.com and there are some angry mofo's in the hizzous tonite!

Now, in my newfound sober state, I'm learning to embrace my apathy. I'm hard pressed to come up with one single battle thats worth fighting for me. I've fought alot of 'em in the last few years (real or imagined) and I'm over-done. The powers that be will do or not do what they will, whether I like it or not, so there's no point, for me, to stroke out over any of it. I'm the impartial third party, watching from the sidelines.

Hmmm... I have an interview paper to do. Mebbe I'll interview two people with... nah, nevermind. Too much stress from both sides.

Anyway, as I was saying, I think, since there's nothing I can do about what's going on, I guess I'll just enjoy the raw emotions of "the people". Kinda wish my credit cards weren't maxed out, should an uprising happen and I need to trot to Switzerland or something. I'm just saying.

Happy trails

I Got 104 On My TEST!!!

2008-09-29T23:00:00.002-04:00

Lordy Lord!!

"Your paper showed much evidence of hard work, great study habits and application of lectures and subject matter. It was absolutely a joy to grade.......Your definition of drug met all the critera for a drug....... I know you understand the definition..... now for the news.....you are waiting for..........Score: 100 + 4 Bonus points...= 104 !!! Congratulations... and keep up the good work.. I appreciate your contributions to the class..."

Holy Holy Holy CRAP!!! I did NOT fry every cell in my pretty little head! I am never ever getting to sleep tonite. Unfortunately, every last slacker I know is asleep so I can't gloat.

I'm back. Just woke up my ex who's in NY with the kids. He was happy.

I love me :o)

I'm Back From Taking My First Test In College!

2008-09-29T21:33:00.002-04:00

OY!!! Jeepers! I think I did pretty well. I know I didn't do perfectly cos, you guessed it, I screwed up on the definition of Drug. Dammit! And, to add insult to injury? I repeated over and over the definition not 3 minutes later when I sat in my car! But there were 4 extra credit questions at the end so I hope I get somewhere near a 90. Hell, an 80 would please me! Somewhat.

I hate to pick on the kids in the class but... One girl asked "If we don't do well, can we retake it?" You have go to be freakin kidding me! Yeah, lets just retake the damn test all semester until you get it right, k? sheesh

Anyway, one down, two more to go (mid-Oct). I'm immersing myself in writing treatment plans from now till then.

I have a killer headache so I'm gonna go hang out with Yanni and Kitaro for the evening. Thank God that's over!

Procrastinating...

2008-09-29T14:21:00.004-04:00

I have my first test tonite and I am procrastinating the light fandango about studying. I got most of it down, but I just can't get the definition of "drug":

Any substance, natural or artificial, that by it's chemical nature alters structure or function in the living organism.

There, I've typed it. Maybe that helped solidify it in my brain??? I can get from Any to nature, but after that? Nothing! When I was a kid, I went for classes to make my communion. I couldn't remember one line in the Act Of Contrition so, therefore, no communion for me. Bastards! Even at a young age, I wasn't gonna admit being contrite. hmmm...

Sooo, in my procrastinating state, I'm reading your blogs. Feel nekked now? hahaha Anyway, there are some joggers out there that are making me feel guilty for smoking over 2 packs a day. You know who you are. So, here's the deal. I've turned in my paperwork to take a vacation at the end of October/beginning of November (my favorite time of year). I'm gonna quit smoking (and try to avoid killing anyone in the process, hence the vaca). And, after I quit, I'm gonna take up jogging (which is funny cos I have the absolute worst! ankles for running. Step, step, giveout, fall) and then I'm gonna run in your races and beat yo asses! (read: be taken away in an ambulance with a heart attack). So watch out! I'm thinking about maybe trying to maybe run here. Feel threatened! Stop laughing at me! I'm serious as that previously mentioned heart attack!

So, now you see why I'm up to date on all my writing assignments in school. I can drop out 250 words on absolutely nothing, can't I?

mmphwahtyumph... I have to go study. waaaaa mebbe i'll eat again... grrrr... gonna fail test... chocolate... ok, that was 309 words. bye (someone save me)

The World and The Debate

2008-09-26T23:41:00.003-04:00

The world is going to hell in a handbasket! You know why? Cos CNN tells you so. They say it and it happens. Them and all the other news outlets. They say "There's no gas!" and then there's a run on gas at my local 7-Eleven. What the hell! It's gonna rain tomorrow! Where does everyone need to go so badly?? Drugs are illegal yet fear mongering isn't. Hmph!

I know, I know, I'm making lite of the state of things like the economy and such, but I can cos I'm not pre-panicked by the news. I don't watch tv and I don't read newspapers. I read 4 paragraphs on the state of things online on my way to perez hilton and that's more informed than I like to be. I've had news induced panic attacks before and I'm not letting it happen again anytime soon. But...

I did watch the debate online tonite cos I, too, wish to make an informed vote come November. I'm not gonna give an opinion, tho, cos, should anyone ever think to read this, I don't wanna have my own little debate. Everyone's entitled to an opinion. It was good internet, I will say that. Not watching tv and all, I've never seen either men speak.

Other than that stuff, I'm still livin the dream here. In a 'getting broker by the second' kinda way, but still enjoying the heck out of each and every day. I wanna give being back in school a huge wet sloppy kiss cos it still rocks the socks outta uh... not being in school? :o)

I have my first test on Monday :o(

I'm grateful for:

1. Internet tv

2. The fresh baked bread I'm taking out of the oven in 10 min.

3. The vat of yummy vegetable soup I just made that I'm gonna dunk that bread in.

4. The fact that I'm not obsessed with my great cooking skills (I'm off to hell on that lie alone)

5. Meetings, where I always hear something I need to hear. And that there's usually a newbie that I can try to help.

6. And, thank God! Another day sober. Whatta miracle!

Has it been 10 days already??

2008-09-17T22:40:00.004-04:00

I no sooner uttered a promise to myself that I was gonna hit this thing daily that I stopped. Boy, but this school/work combo is kicking my old patootie! Wonder if I can stop working... hmmm... I guess as soon as I get over this habit I have of eating and sleeping on soft cushy things. And, well, there is smoking. I'd give up sleeping on soft cushy things before I give that up.

So's I don't forget my excitement of today, I'll scribble it down now. You're welcome. :o)

I got my internship set up for next semester. I'm so excited! I didn't even call for an interview anywhere other than this place, cos this is where I had my heart set on doing it. It's called The Healing Place and it's over in Richmond. It's a treatment center for men. Here's the link to a short video about the place that's on their website:

http://www.thpva.com/video.htm

I got to sit in on their community meeting this morning where they come clean about things they did wrong to the group. Things like "I fell asleep on the job" or "I didn't get my writing assignment done" or "I got angry at so and so" etc. It was great. They had openings for various positions where they voted (very democratically) on certain candidates and such. Sat in on classes, took a very long tour and then had lunch with my new buddy Richard (he's one of the teachers in the video). They all love that I'm in recovery and treated me like a little sister when they found out that I only have 7 months clean and sober. :o) They want me to come back before my internship starts in January. I'm gonna try working it out so I can help out on Wednesdays. Between that and school, I'll only have time to work fri-sun. Can you say "starving student"? I know I can! Well, there ya go. That's my life in a nut shell. Full time school, meetings, barely working. Fun huh? Better than full time working/full time drinking! I'm less tired now than I was back then.

And, while I'm thankful I got my 5 page paper done for English Comp, reliving 9/11 and how it affected me sucked worse than I thought it would. Hopefully I'll get to tuck that nightmare back into the deep dark recesses for another 7 months. I'm done with reliving that shit for now.

On that happy note, I swear I'll be back again soon.

Yippee! I'm Off!

2008-09-07T21:03:00.003-04:00

God, how I love Sundays! I'm off till Thurs night (with school in between). I got my reading done for class on Tues (don't you just hate those cashiers that don't pay attention to you when they're ringing you up? Yeah, well I'm one of those cashiers. mwahahaha Some day I'm gonna blog about what 8 hours of "sign please, hit accept" is like. It's not pretty. Anyway...).

Just finished watching HBO's Black Tar Heroin again. Great documentary (for someone who doesn't have a family member/friend on heroin, that is). Should be required watching for every child. Drugs, obviously, are far too glamorized to kids. They need to see what heroin (and other drugs) really do for you.

Gratitude List:

1. My family - I'm sorry I missed the family get-together in NY today. I don't get home often anymore.

2. Friends in AA - My true friends. Sometimes, when the going gets bumpy, just staying sober cos I'd miss them too much if I didn't is enough to get me over the hump.

3. School - It's great to think that maybe, one day, I just might be able to put the crap I did to good use, to help someone. It makes it not seem like such a huge ugly waste of time (my using, that is).

4. My job - While I do dislike it at times, I do get to sit outside in the beautiful weather and do homework or watch butterflies and bees do what they do so well. Can't hate that!

5. My HP - Without Whom, I would be trudging rather than sauntering thru much better days. If I'd only known it could be like this! (I know, if I'd only known before, I'd still have been a mess cos it wasn't my time yet. I had to do that then to get this now.)

So, on that happy note, I must end this procrastination. I must get some more soda in me and study study study! Hot DAMN, I do soooo love studying! (somewhere in the world, a child heard that and fell off it's chair. hehehe)

I Am Thankful

2008-09-06T16:39:00.004-04:00

My ex wanted to take me out to lunch today. Embracing my poor student status, I said yes. Went to lunch, then he said to sit in his car with him, he had to tell me something. Ut oh!

Seems "the boy" has to go to court on Tuesday for misdemeanor trespassing. This happened two weeks ago, I think he said. Which means I've been riding with the boy for two weeks back and forth to school and he never said anything. Seems he was too afraid of my reaction to tell me. Wise of him. Now I understand why he's been sick for the last week.

Now, six months ago I would have freaked!! Not today tho. I'm actually happy about it. Maybe this is what he needs to set him on the straight and narrow. Ex said the cops thought he was on something cos he was shaking so bad. Good! I'm not sure if I'm gonna miss class to go to court. I told the boy to never make me have to go to court for him cos it devastated me when I had to go for his brother 4 yrs ago (long story, but that scared my eldest onto the straight and narrow, except for the driving under the influence that he does).

I called the boy and asked how he was feeling. He said still kinda sick. I said what about the nervous breakdown he was having. He said "what??" I asked if he had nice clothes to wear for court. He said yeah. I told him "you know, I do love you" he said "I know" and I said "I am gonna kick your ass". He said "I know".

My mother used to say "You're only as happy as your most miserable child" (I think Erma Bombeck said it first). That's not true, tho, I am happier than my most miserable child cos, I know now, I have no control over this. God does and that's not me. I'll be concerned, but not freaking out (hopefully). But I didn't teach him to do something stupid like this. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Gratitude List:

1. Sobriety - I can show up for court and not be hungover or crazy emotional.

2. Serenity - I don't have to fall apart over this. And then try to drink it away.

3. I have AA in my life - I'll share about this tonite and hopefully someone newer to AA than I will see that you CAN handle life clean and sober.

4. Most importantly, I have a God of my understanding watching over me and my boys. Which is handy, trust me. :o)

Oh, and, Hannah was a letdown. The rain and the wind were ok tho. I got to sit at the register in Outside Garden in the rain and do my reading for school. That was very peaceful!

Don't Ask If The Junkey Want's To Be Fed!

2008-09-05T21:18:00.003-04:00

I'm deleting this ridiculous diatribe because I was cranky when I wrote it, which is no excuse for such childishness on my part. I want this blog 'o mine to be about how I'm growing in sobriety and AA. Not as a place to stamp my feet and cry "Mommy! I Want! Waaaaa!" I'm keeping the title to remind myself of what I wrote, tho. :o)

Gratitude List:

1. Thank GOD for meetings where I can share this crap at. And for the helpful sharing from friends in the rooms.

2. Thank GOD people called out last night at work, which meant I couldn't leave early. I'm not sure I'd be writing this sober if I had gone home early. After hitting the store, that is.

3. Thank GOD I'm sober today. thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Gonna go bang my head against the wall for a while, then do some homework.

Dontcha Just Love The Dentist

2008-09-03T12:11:00.003-04:00

"You're not supposed to think about dating until you get your teeth fixed first."

There is no way I'd throw away the peaceful tranquility here in my sanctum sanctuorum for anyone. I have no need to be needed, nor do I wish to need another right now. And, have I mentioned I'm going to school full time? But, with all the substance abuse, soda and smoking I've done, my teeth needed a minor overhaul. So, off to the one chair that is, to me, comparable to the electric one I also try to avoid. Made much the better by the lack of nitrous oxide (sweet air) or the post-work script of vicodin. Damn my honesty! :shakes fist at honesty:

Three hours later, not so bad! My lower jaw is numb to the gills and surely I feel like a drool factory (a vision for you). How people stuff that smokeless tobacco crap into their lower lips is way beyond me. Anyway, one jaw down, one to go.

She was actually surprised at the good shape my teeth are in, considering. I was an anal addict/alcoholic for sure. I ate good and brushed often. I had to keep this body as healthy as I could, you see. I didn't have time for too many hospital visits. Ah, the mind is a weird and wonderful thing, yes? hahaha End the run and get help? Hell no! Keep the body moderately healthy so I can continue to use? Absolutely!

Anyway, there's Advil to eat and homework to do.

So Glad To Be Back At School

2008-09-02T14:59:00.006-04:00

Have I mentioned how much I love school today? Except, I did this work for my Substance Abuse Councilling class and forgot it at home on my coffee table! Gah!

My Monday morning meeting was packed to the rafters yesterday. Which was great, of course. The topic was "what would you say to a newcomer and what would you say to someone who has as much time as you do". I said "Just remember what brought you here. Never forget it. Whenever you think of that nice warm, cozy feeling from a couple of drinks or a couple of lines/hits, remember how they left you before you crawled into these rooms." I know that's what keeps me clean and sober and in the rooms.

We had a cookout at the store yesterday. My colon was kind enough to remind me as to why we don't eat burgers, hot dogs or sausages with any regularity. It'll be fruit, veggies and quinoa or brown rice for the next week. I'm trying to embrace my inner colon here. No more dead animals (or animal parts that make up what I ate) for a while.

Til next time...

Update on my son

2008-08-30T21:51:00.002-04:00

Seems he was just freakin out cos he's broke and can't pay his bills. He just moved into his own apt and didn't know he had to pay rent AND security so he used all his bill paying money. Long story short, I fronted him money to pay his car pmt. Money, I don't have to tell you (but I did tell him), I'd not have if I weren't sober. I was so thankful that I could help him. And he knows he has to pay me it back (he does have alot of integrity, that child. He always pays me if he owes me money). Also, he said he's too poor to drink (thank GOD!!). And, with a mothers eye, I didn't see any bruises and his skin didn't look yellow. :o) OCD much? He does have bad dark circles under his eyes, but he's allergic to dairy and, being a vegetarian and young, he pizza loads.

Thanks for letting me share (and the kind, helpful comments on the previous post).

Oh, two things. I missed my meeting last night and damned if everyone didn't ask me where was I??? I'm like "Jeez Kids!". I love my meeting peeps.

Then, picture this. Tonites meeting... over 50 people there... I pick up my 6th month chip and the place goes nuts! Cheering! Applause! Hoots and Hollas! I'm like "shit! Calm Down!" thinking do I owe these people money or something? hahah it was way embarrassing but Fabulous!

(I vaguely recall Syd saying he's nuts about grammar and punctuation. So, if you read this Syd, take deep breaths. I'm currently enrolled in an English Composition class.)

'Night!

Labor Day Weekend In Retail

2008-08-30T11:16:00.002-04:00

I wonder what it's like to be off from work on a weekend or a holiday. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'd rather be working cos, if the lines at my store are any indication, I'd stay in my apartment anyway. I'm no fan of crowds when it's me standing in line. I don't mind being on the other side of the register tho. Have fun, all you crazy shoppers!

Have I mentioned how much I love being back in school? OMG! I'm kinda stressed, but that's all anticipatory stress. I'm on top of all my work and then some, so alls good. I hate being away from the whole college atmosphere. Damn my need for shelter and food thus having to show up at work. :shakes fist at damn need:

There's something going on with my older son, health-wise. He told me yesterday that he needs to get health insurance and that he's always bruised. I know he drinks alot and he's only 23. I don't know what to do. Do I lay out the money for a dr. visit and tests, money that I don't have? Or do I wait? He's definitely not a drama queen, so I know there's something wrong. Gah!

On that happy note, lunch is over so it's back to the nuthouse. Enjoy!

Second Day of School

2008-08-26T15:38:00.004-04:00

::zzzzzzzzzzzzzz::

Oh! I'm up (no I'm not). Ok, for $100 a book per class, someone should carry them for me. It's like carrying a 12 yr old up hill for 5 hours. I'm old. :o)

My teacher for Addiction and Prevention class (and Substance Abuse Counseling right after, tho across campus):

Loves to hear himself talk
Thinks people in recovery are wrong when they say that only another addict/alcoholic/whatever can help you. Hmmm... (glad I told him I'm in recovery!)
Loves to keep you past the time when class is over. Lucky for me, I have to drive across Richmond to get to a class after his.

I do love being in school, tho. There's alot of reading to do, which is great with me. I told my job I'm only working Fri/Sat/Sun cos I want to dedicate Wed to nothing but studying. I'm not going to a meeting either. Just gonna fester in my jammies all day and study (and eat and smoke).

I'm not so sure that the boy (what I call my youngest son) is as into the studying as I am. And, while I have gone to 20 hrs at work a week, I'm using twice as much gas, the boy smokes my cigs and needs to be fed and watered while we're at school. Hmmm... We're gonna have to get in touch with our inner "starving college student" soon. Well, that's one way to lose that extra 20 lbs I can't afford to lose! But, the college cops were giving away free coffee and donuts this morning, so the boy and I got a second bfast while we smoked. Way to promote a stereo type tho. Cops? Donuts and coffee? Nevermind. :o) It's nice to see the boy hangin with his friends at school. And we don't sit together in English Composition class, which is cool.

So, second day/all is still duckey here. I'm gonna hammer into some of my papers that are due next month, so I don't have to worry about it. Then off to a meeting! And maybe a nap sometime before midnight?

School was AWESOME!!!

2008-08-25T23:07:00.003-04:00

I just can't tell you how great it felt to be back in college. I've wanted to go back for so long, and now I'm there! And I have this ID that says it's OK for me to take out their books to read til my hearts content. Lordy! That alone was worth the tuition. Tho, book snob that I am, I thought "this is it?" when I saw the quantity they had. Ah well. I'm not taking classes at the Library of Congress. :o)

My class tonite was Intro to Drug Abuse. pffft. If I don't ace this class, I might as well hand in my AA chips.

Off to beddy-bye. Too excited to sleep. ::giggle::

Six Months Sober, Baby!

2008-08-24T22:47:00.005-04:00

That's right, I've got six months! I wasn't always sure I was gonna make it, but I did. I got my chip at the first meeting I ever went two here. It was really nice.

Since I start school tomorrow, I figured I would try out the speech recognition program. I'm trying to avoid having to cut my fingernails. I guess the program's OK. It's a little annoying having to OK every sentence I speak. And it won't select words for me to fix. But so far, as evidenced by what I'm writing, it seems to be doing OK . I don't know if I can write 10 page papers with it, But it should be OK for when my nails are wet. Actually it is getting better and better at understanding me. awww. . . It's like having a new friend to talk to. One I wanna slap the Pratt out of every once in awhile. What the hell is a Pratt . Anyway, now that I'm sober I don't think this slow. So I might have to break down and cut the mails and typed the papers by hand. Mails, huh? Sheesh ! By the way, all errors or from the speech recognition program.

Thanks for let me share .

I've been spammed!

2008-08-21T07:11:00.002-04:00

I feel I have arrived in blogger world. But...

Syd is the anti-christ??? Jeez, Syd. That must be a full time job. Where do you find time to spend on the water? Tho, I guess you could do it from there huh? (jmo, but I think the cretin likes you.)

Anyway, off to moderate comments. I hate that crap.

I'm Going To College!

2008-08-19T07:06:00.003-04:00

OMG! I got my financial aid award notice in the mail yesterday. School is being paid for! Yippee! Here I was, hating my job and kinda bored. Yet another miracle of sobriety! But, then, my son is also going and I surely hope that doesn't stress me, cos I have to take him to classes. But I'm not gonna think about that now. School starts in a week so I have to do all the paperwork today. Thank God for coffee. Oh, btw, I'm going for substance abuse councilor. Again, yippee!

Old Thoughts Creep Up

2008-08-14T21:59:00.002-04:00

It was a good day. For a work day, it could have been so much worse. But, at the end, I got kinda angry. Just like I used to in my using days. The "how dare they keep me over my time to leave" stupid, self-centered attitude. I was floored when the same old ending popped in my head! The "this is why I need a drink" thought. WHOA!! Where'd that come from??

Well, of course, I came home and isolated. Then I hit the blogs, smoked 20 cigs and here I am. I'll be analyzing this with God in an hour of where my mind went off track, so I'll be better able to avoid that kind of thinking in the future. That and calling some friends tomorrow if my brain starts to act all "me-me-me"ish again. Thank God for AA!

Today, I am so grateful for:

Having an HP in my life to turn my difficulties over to
Having a job I don't like, which is better than poverty
Great friends in the rooms that are always there for me, and that need me too
This blog to babble, sometimes incoherently, to
Very many meetings to go to, so I can't make excuses
Commitments in AA
Sober friends and normies that know BS from me when they hear it, and roll their eyes accordingly

Ok, I feel better. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day at work. I'll keep telling myself that. :o)

Good Times...

2008-08-13T21:47:00.003-04:00

Ahhh... What a difference three days off from work makes. I love being off so I can cram all the meeting time in. I spent Tuesday in my car for six hours of meeting with a friend. Then went to a meeting when I got back! Course I had less than no desire to share when I got to that meeting after the meeting (I did anyway. Always share for the newcomer I was taught.). But I had to bow out of the dinner after the meeting. I draw the line at 12 hours of AA (no I don't, but I did then). Good stuff.

Didja ever get those moments when you can actually feel the hand of God touching your soul? Like all is good, you go along with the day and all, and There it is! Just this feeling like... I don't know... like "a moment" just happened. Someone says something/you see something/nothing in particular happens but you just "feel" something and you get all misty eyed cos you know you're not alone in life. Whatever... Anyway, I get that alot. Which makes me wonder: did that happen when I was using and I was just too messed up to notice it? Or was my waking up to struggle thru another miserable day the "moment"? Hmmm...

Oh, so, six hours in the car yesterday. Took the Chesapeake Bay Bridge ($17 in tolls! OMG!) and just drove and looked at the water. Nice. Not worth the 17 (having grown up on the water on LI where it was free to get to) but doing a give and take, meeting wise and getting all that fiending crap outta my head was very good. The raw clams and fried shrimp and scallops were priceless! And the seafood shack we went to was all over the Free Tibet/Dalai Lama, which was surprising.
We finished studying the BB at our little book study meeting tonite. On page 152, where it says:

"Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

That was SO powerful for me! Cos that Was me, when I crawled back in this time! I wished for the end, and finally found the beginning! OY!

On that happy note, time for beddy-bye.

Thinking, As Usual...

2008-08-09T22:45:00.003-04:00

So, I was mildly fiending yesterday, as usual. That's cool. It's my first summer not drinking, it's been hot out, yadda. I was talking to a friend from the meetings about it (someone I hang out with regularly). And my sponsor, of course.

Well, someone who went back out six months ago came back last week. She's been sharing and also starting the topic for meetings with "what do you do to keep from drinking". I shared that, while I need to go to meetings daily to be reminded of what I need to do to stay sober (since my memory still sucks), when things get really bad, I just have to remember what it was like the day before I got back into the rooms. And that, while I do have the free will to go back out any time I want to, I know in my heart that I probably wont make it back in again. I half joked with my friend that if I went back to drinking they'd find me with a needle in my arm and a razor blade in my hand, cos that's where I know my disease would lead me.

Then, tonite after the meeting, I was talking to another friend thats been sober for almost 2 years. Man, she was bad off! Lots of joint pain/she just needs something. The pills she takes help her but she's run out. They're not the kind of pill that you get off on. She NEEDS something, percoset or vicodin or... I was like "cmon. You'll only get strung out like I did. Do you really wanna be chasing that? Now? After all you've gone thru? Obviously you wanna be sober, or you'd not have put in so much effort here" type crap.

Then it hit me! Whatta freakin hypocrite I am! (that's not the epiphany. I knew that already)

Now, from reading all the blogs (lou, syd, kel, junky's wife, etc.), I've had that "is this what I did to people" heartache. I read what they write and I feel like they're writing about my actions. And then I dare to try to help someone, when I'm fiending myself. Sheesh!

Anyway, something for me to ponder tomorrow. Fiending sucks in so many huge ways. Does it suck enough to go back out and die over? If not, what then?

Oh Yeah... The Finches

2008-07-30T14:56:00.002-04:00

Well, the hyper little shits... uh... I mean fuzzy little darlings, are gone. No, I did not shove a toothpick up their asses and char them over the heat of my cigarette. My ex expressed an undying love for the little critters that squawk (incessantly, I might add!) in exchange for his 10 gallon tank of zen like sounds of flowing water. With occupants, of course. "Did I mention Zen-like sounds?" he adds over and over. (I'm a TIBETAN Buddhist, mind you. Not Zen. whatever...)

So, the trade was made. Now I get to fatten up the new bundles of joy (for the frying pan. No?). Such outpouring of unconditional love I've never known. hohum.

Did I mention they're poop-monsters? I'm more than willing to toss one into an envelope and ship to anyone out in internet space. Just tell me where to send it. hehehehehe

Kidding :o)

Yippeeee!!!!

2008-07-30T12:45:00.004-04:00

YYEESSSS!!! The pimp-mobile passed inspection! That was, at least, $800 I didn't have to spend in repairs, which is good, cos I didn't have that kind of money anyway. Whoo! Whatta load off the squishy grey-matter! Ahhhhhhhh

Anyway, two stresses down, one to go (work). Or, actually, I've got a new stress. My youngest son, who only works pt, plays ps3 all day, is a slob and brings god knows who home to my ex-husbands house, is in trouble. My ex (who never likes to spare me the stressful shit that goes on in his life) told him (actually, as usual, doesn't discuss but brawls verbally) that he had to get out in a week. Son told him if that happened, he'd break in and trash ex's stuff. Hmmm... I'll be calling the boy, explain what making a threat means, legally, and tell him that I'm cutting him out of my life till he gets a ft job and his own place. It's always he said/he said with those two tho. What fun! Thank God I'm not pmsing!

I shared about the job thing at a meeting last night. All I can do tho is pray on it and leave it for God to take care of. Just like the ticket, just like the car inspection. Just like probs with my kids. I have no control. Life is so much easier when I just remember that.

Taking a meeting to a womans rehab tonite. Should be fun to look in that mirror of suffering to remind me of how far I've come. Thank God!

What to do...

2008-07-29T20:06:00.004-04:00

Yeesh! When I chose to trade in my high-stress job as scheduler (mon to fri, 8a to 5p) for the less stressful job as garden head cashier, it was for the perk of thu-sun, 8a to 7p (4-10hr days). Since we were over hours, store wise, there was a sign over the time clock asking for any full timers to cut to 32 hrs. I offered.

Well, a month later, they wanna reneg on the 4-10 hr days to full flex (any shift, from 5:45 am to 10:30 pm, mon to sun). They act like they did me a favor by letting me go to 32 hrs. So, there goes my meetings and commitments. I know, with me, no meetings = no sobriety. If I want a set schedule, they offered for me to go part time, which means they can schedule me only 6 hrs a week. Hmmm... right. We're gonna talk about it when I get to work on Thurs. Something to look foward to, huh?

Adding to that is my resentment towards a "friend" in the rooms who chewed me out last Saturday at a meeting cos I called her to see how another friend was seen in a bar the night before by my sponsor and she accused me of gossiping. I said "No, it wasn't gossiping. It was concern." Well, it turns out it was her in the bar. She shared about it at that meeting, which I missed cos, heart pounding, I said "Fuck this!" and walked out. (this was before the meeting/no one else was there) So, I get home and that "friend" was nice enough to text me that if I needed a meeting, I could come back! Argh!

Anyway, that, plus I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket (I really have to stop drinking so much coffee!), having to take my car in for an inspection tomorrow (which I don't think it will pass and I can't afford to have it fixed) and the job thing... well... I'm stressed. But, I called my sponsor, shared it at meetings and will continue to pray on it. I'm sure God has a plan. Which make one of us!

Venting, venting, venting. Give it up... Turn it over... Keep it simple... Buy doughnuts... oh, uh, oops? ahem

Onward and Upward!

It's been a while...

2008-07-24T22:23:00.005-04:00

Well well well... I picked up my 5 month chip tonight!! Yeah me! What a trip it's been. I've not posted in a while cos I really wanted to put my all into my sobriety this time. And I have been, trust me. As opposed to my last tries at getting sober, I have:

1. Gotten a sponsor
2. Am working the steps
3. I go to meetings 7 days a week
4. Gotten some commitments
5. Actually become involved!

I used to suit up and show up (when I couldn't come up with a good enough reason not to). Now I read, share and I actually chaired on Tuesday night! Don't get me wrong, I was sweatin bullets doing it. But I had to do it. Meetings are the one place where I can try something new and, even if I flub it, no one will point at me and laugh.

I also have one very powerful tool to keep me on the straight and narrow. I think things through. When I think of that warm cozy feeling that just two beers would give me, I remember the other ten I'd end up having and the pills I was taking and the heroin I was considering as a viable option right before I quit, because the highs weren't high enough anymore. So, sure, I can very easily have those two beers anytime I want! But, in six months I'd have no job, no place to live, be strung out and living on the streets. Not a viable option.

Now, I can't guarantee that these things are gonna keep me sober forever. But they have so far and for that, I am well and truly thankful. I know that my Higher Power loves me and is helping me along these steps. Alone I couldn't do it.

Thanks for letting me share...

Sometimes weird stuff happens

2008-04-09T19:06:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about getting finches. Friends say i'm lonely, now that both of my boys have emptied my nest (with some prodding from me). I thought: Ok, maybe I do need a pet I can be attentive to. Let's face it, two fishies in a gallon tank don't send out the "I love you too" vibe alot.

Now, to know me is to know that, after 22 years of nurturing my boys, I'm not looking for alot of work here. I've had times where just turning on the light on the tank for said fishies and tossing in some flakes was more work than I wanted to commit to. But, the new, improved and sober me had some extra time on my hands, so...

Finches. Don't have to walk them and they wont act like queen bitch of the castle that is my apartment like a cat would. Little birdies, on the other hand... How much work could that be?

So, for no reason whatsoever, I'm driving home from work yesterday when I veer into the PetSmart parking lot and park next to a car that looked like a co-workers. I walk into the store to see, you guessed it, my co-worker! Paying for her doggie food! I mention that I was just gonna look at bird cages, she mentions she knows someone who has two male finches for sale (only $15 each!). I buy some food and stuff for them, go back later for a huge cage that's like $50 cheaper than it should be (finches need long cages to fly in cos they don't get out much cos they're so small), and, at 6:30am this morning, my co-worker drops them off and I'm now the proud mommy of two little bundles of nerves! Well, they don't know me yet and all. And I'm not sure they're fans of "New Rock Alternative" music just yet. They'll get used to it, though, I'm sure.

Weird stuff like how I got these guys has been happening since I got sober! Just one perfect alignment of the stars after another! I was craving last night something fierce. Then I got so busy that I forgot that I was craving. Someone's watching out for me, I think. :o)

Till next time...

Doing for others

2008-04-03T13:56:00.005-04:00

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (CNN) -- At 5 a.m. on any given day, Anne Mahlum could be found running the dark streets of Philadelphia -- with homeless men cheering her on as she passed their shelter. But one morning last spring, she stopped in her tracks.

"Running really is a metaphor for life," Anne Mahlum says. "You just have to take it one step at a time."

"Why am I running past these guys?" recalls Mahlum, 27. "I'm moving my life forward every day -- and these guys are standing in the same spot."

Instead of continuing to pass them by, the veteran marathoner sprang into action so they could join her.

She contacted the shelter, got donations of running gear, and in July 2007 the "Back On My Feet" running club hit the streets.

The first day, Mahlum led nine shelter residents in a mile-long run. Today, Back on My Feet has teams in three Philadelphia shelters, including 54 homeless members and more than 250 volunteers. The group has logged more than 5,000 miles.

Requirements for shelter residents to join are simple -- they must live in an affiliated facility and be clean and sober for 30 days. Members receive new shoes and running clothes, and teams run together three times a week between 5:30 and 6 a.m.

The runners are diverse -- doctors, janitors, students and shelter residents -- but such distinctions aren't apparent.

"All you can tell is who's the fastest," says Mahlum. "You can't tell who's homeless and who's not."

For Mahlum and others, Back On My Feet is more than a running club.

"We're a community of support, love, respect," she says. Watch how the group hits the predawn streets of Philadelphia. »

Runners greet each other with hugs and words of encouragement. While members say they've lost weight, quit smoking and have more energy, Mahlum believes they're also learning important life skills such as discipline and goal-setting that can help them get on the road to self-sufficiency.

"Running really is a metaphor for life," she says. "There is always another mile. You just have to take it one step at a time."

That's something Mahlum herself has learned over the past 10 years as she's dealt with her father's alcoholism. Running has been her therapy, she says.

"I'm learning more about my life through all of this." Watch Mahlum recall a troubling moment when she turned to running. »

Back On My Feet also has a job training program for a partner. Three members are taking classes, learning computer and interview skills, while three others have found jobs.

Mike Solomon, an original member, is one of the group's success stories. A former crack user who spent his youth in and out of trouble on the streets of Wilmington, Delaware, Solomon is employed, in school and training to run a marathon in his hometown. He considers Back on My Feet part of his support group. Watch Solomon describe how he got off crack and on the run. »

"Anne is helping people see the hero in themselves," says Solomon.

Mahlum aims to have Back On My Feet in 10 local shelters by the end of the year and expand beyond Philadelphia in 2009. She believes her approach could be part of a solution to homelessness.

"Do we need homes? Yes. We need jobs? Yes," she says. "But imagine if you didn't have anybody in your life who said, 'I'm really proud of you.' Back On My Feet does just that."

I really need to start doing for others, like this lady in the story. I've spent so long wallowing in my own shit, that it's time to move on to other people's shit. With all the misery that I read about online (I stopped watching the endless misery on tv over a month ago), it's a very welcome change to read good things once in a while.

Anne Mahlum is my Hero.

What a difference a month of Sobriety makes!

2008-03-30T22:10:00.000-04:00

So, I figured writing here will motivate me on to the next level of taking my health back. Sure, I've been sober 36 days now (long or short days, depending on the way life treats me on any given day). But, unlike all of the other times that I got sober, this time I didn't jump right on the exercise trail to a new and much improved life. I'm smoking more than one would think humanly possible; I'm not overly committed to eating healthy and I drink far too much Dr. Pepper, which has tossed any chance of meaningful sleep down the drain.

On the plus side, I am going to IOP rehab and meetings. I have a sponsor that I talk to regularly. And I'm working the Steps. That's a much better step in the right direction than I ever took.

So, where do I want to go from here, you ask? Back into Ashtanga yoga; a diet of fish, veggies and rice and a much happier and healthier outlook than the one I have right now. Though, my attitude is so much better than it was 36 days ago. Those that have had to endure my hangover-ridden poor self-esteem = cranky animal attitude of the past will surely attest to that!

Well, we'll see how it goes. Let's enjoy the ride!