I Am Thankful

My ex wanted to take me out to lunch today. Embracing my poor student status, I said yes. Went to lunch, then he said to sit in his car with him, he had to tell me something. Ut oh!

Seems "the boy" has to go to court on Tuesday for misdemeanor trespassing. This happened two weeks ago, I think he said. Which means I've been riding with the boy for two weeks back and forth to school and he never said anything. Seems he was too afraid of my reaction to tell me. Wise of him. Now I understand why he's been sick for the last week.

Now, six months ago I would have freaked!! Not today tho. I'm actually happy about it. Maybe this is what he needs to set him on the straight and narrow. Ex said the cops thought he was on something cos he was shaking so bad. Good! I'm not sure if I'm gonna miss class to go to court. I told the boy to never make me have to go to court for him cos it devastated me when I had to go for his brother 4 yrs ago (long story, but that scared my eldest onto the straight and narrow, except for the driving under the influence that he does).

I called the boy and asked how he was feeling. He said still kinda sick. I said what about the nervous breakdown he was having. He said "what??" I asked if he had nice clothes to wear for court. He said yeah. I told him "you know, I do love you" he said "I know" and I said "I am gonna kick your ass". He said "I know".

My mother used to say "You're only as happy as your most miserable child" (I think Erma Bombeck said it first). That's not true, tho, I am happier than my most miserable child cos, I know now, I have no control over this. God does and that's not me. I'll be concerned, but not freaking out (hopefully). But I didn't teach him to do something stupid like this. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Gratitude List:

1. Sobriety - I can show up for court and not be hungover or crazy emotional.

2. Serenity - I don't have to fall apart over this. And then try to drink it away.

3. I have AA in my life - I'll share about this tonite and hopefully someone newer to AA than I will see that you CAN handle life clean and sober.

4. Most importantly, I have a God of my understanding watching over me and my boys. Which is handy, trust me. :o)

Oh, and, Hannah was a letdown. The rain and the wind were ok tho. I got to sit at the register in Outside Garden in the rain and do my reading for school. That was very peaceful!

Don't Ask If The Junkey Want's To Be Fed!

I'm deleting this ridiculous diatribe because I was cranky when I wrote it, which is no excuse for such childishness on my part. I want this blog 'o mine to be about how I'm growing in sobriety and AA. Not as a place to stamp my feet and cry "Mommy! I Want! Waaaaa!" I'm keeping the title to remind myself of what I wrote, tho. :o)

Gratitude List:

1. Thank GOD for meetings where I can share this crap at. And for the helpful sharing from friends in the rooms.

2. Thank GOD people called out last night at work, which meant I couldn't leave early. I'm not sure I'd be writing this sober if I had gone home early. After hitting the store, that is.

3. Thank GOD I'm sober today. thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Gonna go bang my head against the wall for a while, then do some homework.

Dontcha Just Love The Dentist

"You're not supposed to think about dating until you get your teeth fixed first."

There is no way I'd throw away the peaceful tranquility here in my sanctum sanctuorum for anyone. I have no need to be needed, nor do I wish to need another right now. And, have I mentioned I'm going to school full time? But, with all the substance abuse, soda and smoking I've done, my teeth needed a minor overhaul. So, off to the one chair that is, to me, comparable to the electric one I also try to avoid. Made much the better by the lack of nitrous oxide (sweet air) or the post-work script of vicodin. Damn my honesty! :shakes fist at honesty:

Three hours later, not so bad! My lower jaw is numb to the gills and surely I feel like a drool factory (a vision for you). How people stuff that smokeless tobacco crap into their lower lips is way beyond me. Anyway, one jaw down, one to go.

She was actually surprised at the good shape my teeth are in, considering. I was an anal addict/alcoholic for sure. I ate good and brushed often. I had to keep this body as healthy as I could, you see. I didn't have time for too many hospital visits. Ah, the mind is a weird and wonderful thing, yes? hahaha End the run and get help? Hell no! Keep the body moderately healthy so I can continue to use? Absolutely!

Anyway, there's Advil to eat and homework to do.

So Glad To Be Back At School

Have I mentioned how much I love school today? Except, I did this work for my Substance Abuse Councilling class and forgot it at home on my coffee table! Gah!

My Monday morning meeting was packed to the rafters yesterday. Which was great, of course. The topic was "what would you say to a newcomer and what would you say to someone who has as much time as you do". I said "Just remember what brought you here. Never forget it. Whenever you think of that nice warm, cozy feeling from a couple of drinks or a couple of lines/hits, remember how they left you before you crawled into these rooms." I know that's what keeps me clean and sober and in the rooms.

We had a cookout at the store yesterday. My colon was kind enough to remind me as to why we don't eat burgers, hot dogs or sausages with any regularity. It'll be fruit, veggies and quinoa or brown rice for the next week. I'm trying to embrace my inner colon here. No more dead animals (or animal parts that make up what I ate) for a while.

Til next time...

Update on my son

Seems he was just freakin out cos he's broke and can't pay his bills. He just moved into his own apt and didn't know he had to pay rent AND security so he used all his bill paying money. Long story short, I fronted him money to pay his car pmt. Money, I don't have to tell you (but I did tell him), I'd not have if I weren't sober. I was so thankful that I could help him. And he knows he has to pay me it back (he does have alot of integrity, that child. He always pays me if he owes me money). Also, he said he's too poor to drink (thank GOD!!). And, with a mothers eye, I didn't see any bruises and his skin didn't look yellow. :o) OCD much? He does have bad dark circles under his eyes, but he's allergic to dairy and, being a vegetarian and young, he pizza loads.

Thanks for letting me share (and the kind, helpful comments on the previous post).

Oh, two things. I missed my meeting last night and damned if everyone didn't ask me where was I??? I'm like "Jeez Kids!". I love my meeting peeps.

Then, picture this. Tonites meeting... over 50 people there... I pick up my 6th month chip and the place goes nuts! Cheering! Applause! Hoots and Hollas! I'm like "shit! Calm Down!" thinking do I owe these people money or something? hahah it was way embarrassing but Fabulous!

(I vaguely recall Syd saying he's nuts about grammar and punctuation. So, if you read this Syd, take deep breaths. I'm currently enrolled in an English Composition class.)

'Night!

Labor Day Weekend In Retail

I wonder what it's like to be off from work on a weekend or a holiday. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'd rather be working cos, if the lines at my store are any indication, I'd stay in my apartment anyway. I'm no fan of crowds when it's me standing in line. I don't mind being on the other side of the register tho. Have fun, all you crazy shoppers!

Have I mentioned how much I love being back in school? OMG! I'm kinda stressed, but that's all anticipatory stress. I'm on top of all my work and then some, so alls good. I hate being away from the whole college atmosphere. Damn my need for shelter and food thus having to show up at work. :shakes fist at damn need:

There's something going on with my older son, health-wise. He told me yesterday that he needs to get health insurance and that he's always bruised. I know he drinks alot and he's only 23. I don't know what to do. Do I lay out the money for a dr. visit and tests, money that I don't have? Or do I wait? He's definitely not a drama queen, so I know there's something wrong. Gah!

On that happy note, lunch is over so it's back to the nuthouse. Enjoy!

Second Day of School

::zzzzzzzzzzzzzz::

Oh! I'm up (no I'm not). Ok, for $100 a book per class, someone should carry them for me. It's like carrying a 12 yr old up hill for 5 hours. I'm old. :o)

My teacher for Addiction and Prevention class (and Substance Abuse Counseling right after, tho across campus):

1. Loves to hear himself talk
2. Thinks people in recovery are wrong when they say that only another addict/alcoholic/whatever can help you. Hmmm... (glad I told him I'm in recovery!)
3. Loves to keep you past the time when class is over. Lucky for me, I have to drive across Richmond to get to a class after his.

I do love being in school, tho. There's alot of reading to do, which is great with me. I told my job I'm only working Fri/Sat/Sun cos I want to dedicate Wed to nothing but studying. I'm not going to a meeting either. Just gonna fester in my jammies all day and study (and eat and smoke).

I'm not so sure that the boy (what I call my youngest son) is as into the studying as I am. And, while I have gone to 20 hrs at work a week, I'm using twice as much gas, the boy smokes my cigs and needs to be fed and watered while we're at school. Hmmm... We're gonna have to get in touch with our inner "starving college student" soon. Well, that's one way to lose that extra 20 lbs I can't afford to lose! But, the college cops were giving away free coffee and donuts this morning, so the boy and I got a second bfast while we smoked. Way to promote a stereo type tho. Cops? Donuts and coffee? Nevermind. :o) It's nice to see the boy hangin with his friends at school. And we don't sit together in English Composition class, which is cool.

So, second day/all is still duckey here. I'm gonna hammer into some of my papers that are due next month, so I don't have to worry about it. Then off to a meeting! And maybe a nap sometime before midnight?