Yippee! I'm Off!

God, how I love Sundays! I'm off till Thurs night (with school in between). I got my reading done for class on Tues (don't you just hate those cashiers that don't pay attention to you when they're ringing you up? Yeah, well I'm one of those cashiers. mwahahaha Some day I'm gonna blog about what 8 hours of "sign please, hit accept" is like. It's not pretty. Anyway...).

Just finished watching HBO's Black Tar Heroin again. Great documentary (for someone who doesn't have a family member/friend on heroin, that is). Should be required watching for every child. Drugs, obviously, are far too glamorized to kids. They need to see what heroin (and other drugs) really do for you.

Gratitude List:

1. My family - I'm sorry I missed the family get-together in NY today. I don't get home often anymore.

2. Friends in AA - My true friends. Sometimes, when the going gets bumpy, just staying sober cos I'd miss them too much if I didn't is enough to get me over the hump.

3. School - It's great to think that maybe, one day, I just might be able to put the crap I did to good use, to help someone. It makes it not seem like such a huge ugly waste of time (my using, that is).

4. My job - While I do dislike it at times, I do get to sit outside in the beautiful weather and do homework or watch butterflies and bees do what they do so well. Can't hate that!

5. My HP - Without Whom, I would be trudging rather than sauntering thru much better days. If I'd only known it could be like this! (I know, if I'd only known before, I'd still have been a mess cos it wasn't my time yet. I had to do that then to get this now.)

So, on that happy note, I must end this procrastination. I must get some more soda in me and study study study! Hot DAMN, I do soooo love studying! (somewhere in the world, a child heard that and fell off it's chair. hehehe)

I Am Thankful

My ex wanted to take me out to lunch today. Embracing my poor student status, I said yes. Went to lunch, then he said to sit in his car with him, he had to tell me something. Ut oh!

Seems "the boy" has to go to court on Tuesday for misdemeanor trespassing. This happened two weeks ago, I think he said. Which means I've been riding with the boy for two weeks back and forth to school and he never said anything. Seems he was too afraid of my reaction to tell me. Wise of him. Now I understand why he's been sick for the last week.

Now, six months ago I would have freaked!! Not today tho. I'm actually happy about it. Maybe this is what he needs to set him on the straight and narrow. Ex said the cops thought he was on something cos he was shaking so bad. Good! I'm not sure if I'm gonna miss class to go to court. I told the boy to never make me have to go to court for him cos it devastated me when I had to go for his brother 4 yrs ago (long story, but that scared my eldest onto the straight and narrow, except for the driving under the influence that he does).

I called the boy and asked how he was feeling. He said still kinda sick. I said what about the nervous breakdown he was having. He said "what??" I asked if he had nice clothes to wear for court. He said yeah. I told him "you know, I do love you" he said "I know" and I said "I am gonna kick your ass". He said "I know".

My mother used to say "You're only as happy as your most miserable child" (I think Erma Bombeck said it first). That's not true, tho, I am happier than my most miserable child cos, I know now, I have no control over this. God does and that's not me. I'll be concerned, but not freaking out (hopefully). But I didn't teach him to do something stupid like this. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Gratitude List:

1. Sobriety - I can show up for court and not be hungover or crazy emotional.

2. Serenity - I don't have to fall apart over this. And then try to drink it away.

3. I have AA in my life - I'll share about this tonite and hopefully someone newer to AA than I will see that you CAN handle life clean and sober.

4. Most importantly, I have a God of my understanding watching over me and my boys. Which is handy, trust me. :o)

Oh, and, Hannah was a letdown. The rain and the wind were ok tho. I got to sit at the register in Outside Garden in the rain and do my reading for school. That was very peaceful!

Don't Ask If The Junkey Want's To Be Fed!

I'm deleting this ridiculous diatribe because I was cranky when I wrote it, which is no excuse for such childishness on my part. I want this blog 'o mine to be about how I'm growing in sobriety and AA. Not as a place to stamp my feet and cry "Mommy! I Want! Waaaaa!" I'm keeping the title to remind myself of what I wrote, tho. :o)

Gratitude List:

1. Thank GOD for meetings where I can share this crap at. And for the helpful sharing from friends in the rooms.

2. Thank GOD people called out last night at work, which meant I couldn't leave early. I'm not sure I'd be writing this sober if I had gone home early. After hitting the store, that is.

3. Thank GOD I'm sober today. thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Gonna go bang my head against the wall for a while, then do some homework.

Good Times...

Ahhh... What a difference three days off from work makes. I love being off so I can cram all the meeting time in. I spent Tuesday in my car for six hours of meeting with a friend. Then went to a meeting when I got back! Course I had less than no desire to share when I got to that meeting after the meeting (I did anyway. Always share for the newcomer I was taught.). But I had to bow out of the dinner after the meeting. I draw the line at 12 hours of AA (no I don't, but I did then). Good stuff.

Didja ever get those moments when you can actually feel the hand of God touching your soul? Like all is good, you go along with the day and all, and There it is! Just this feeling like... I don't know... like "a moment" just happened. Someone says something/you see something/nothing in particular happens but you just "feel" something and you get all misty eyed cos you know you're not alone in life. Whatever... Anyway, I get that alot. Which makes me wonder: did that happen when I was using and I was just too messed up to notice it? Or was my waking up to struggle thru another miserable day the "moment"? Hmmm...

Oh, so, six hours in the car yesterday. Took the Chesapeake Bay Bridge ($17 in tolls! OMG!) and just drove and looked at the water. Nice. Not worth the 17 (having grown up on the water on LI where it was free to get to) but doing a give and take, meeting wise and getting all that fiending crap outta my head was very good. The raw clams and fried shrimp and scallops were priceless! And the seafood shack we went to was all over the Free Tibet/Dalai Lama, which was surprising.
We finished studying the BB at our little book study meeting tonite. On page 152, where it says:

"Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

That was SO powerful for me! Cos that Was me, when I crawled back in this time! I wished for the end, and finally found the beginning! OY!

On that happy note, time for beddy-bye.

Yippeeee!!!!

YYEESSSS!!! The pimp-mobile passed inspection! That was, at least, $800 I didn't have to spend in repairs, which is good, cos I didn't have that kind of money anyway. Whoo! Whatta load off the squishy grey-matter! Ahhhhhhhh

Anyway, two stresses down, one to go (work). Or, actually, I've got a new stress. My youngest son, who only works pt, plays ps3 all day, is a slob and brings god knows who home to my ex-husbands house, is in trouble. My ex (who never likes to spare me the stressful shit that goes on in his life) told him (actually, as usual, doesn't discuss but brawls verbally) that he had to get out in a week. Son told him if that happened, he'd break in and trash ex's stuff. Hmmm... I'll be calling the boy, explain what making a threat means, legally, and tell him that I'm cutting him out of my life till he gets a ft job and his own place. It's always he said/he said with those two tho. What fun! Thank God I'm not pmsing!

I shared about the job thing at a meeting last night. All I can do tho is pray on it and leave it for God to take care of. Just like the ticket, just like the car inspection. Just like probs with my kids. I have no control. Life is so much easier when I just remember that.

Taking a meeting to a womans rehab tonite. Should be fun to look in that mirror of suffering to remind me of how far I've come. Thank God!