I Am Thankful

My ex wanted to take me out to lunch today. Embracing my poor student status, I said yes. Went to lunch, then he said to sit in his car with him, he had to tell me something. Ut oh!

Seems "the boy" has to go to court on Tuesday for misdemeanor trespassing. This happened two weeks ago, I think he said. Which means I've been riding with the boy for two weeks back and forth to school and he never said anything. Seems he was too afraid of my reaction to tell me. Wise of him. Now I understand why he's been sick for the last week.

Now, six months ago I would have freaked!! Not today tho. I'm actually happy about it. Maybe this is what he needs to set him on the straight and narrow. Ex said the cops thought he was on something cos he was shaking so bad. Good! I'm not sure if I'm gonna miss class to go to court. I told the boy to never make me have to go to court for him cos it devastated me when I had to go for his brother 4 yrs ago (long story, but that scared my eldest onto the straight and narrow, except for the driving under the influence that he does).

I called the boy and asked how he was feeling. He said still kinda sick. I said what about the nervous breakdown he was having. He said "what??" I asked if he had nice clothes to wear for court. He said yeah. I told him "you know, I do love you" he said "I know" and I said "I am gonna kick your ass". He said "I know".

My mother used to say "You're only as happy as your most miserable child" (I think Erma Bombeck said it first). That's not true, tho, I am happier than my most miserable child cos, I know now, I have no control over this. God does and that's not me. I'll be concerned, but not freaking out (hopefully). But I didn't teach him to do something stupid like this. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Gratitude List:

1. Sobriety - I can show up for court and not be hungover or crazy emotional.

2. Serenity - I don't have to fall apart over this. And then try to drink it away.

3. I have AA in my life - I'll share about this tonite and hopefully someone newer to AA than I will see that you CAN handle life clean and sober.

4. Most importantly, I have a God of my understanding watching over me and my boys. Which is handy, trust me. :o)

Oh, and, Hannah was a letdown. The rain and the wind were ok tho. I got to sit at the register in Outside Garden in the rain and do my reading for school. That was very peaceful!

Don't Ask If The Junkey Want's To Be Fed!

I'm deleting this ridiculous diatribe because I was cranky when I wrote it, which is no excuse for such childishness on my part. I want this blog 'o mine to be about how I'm growing in sobriety and AA. Not as a place to stamp my feet and cry "Mommy! I Want! Waaaaa!" I'm keeping the title to remind myself of what I wrote, tho. :o)

Gratitude List:

1. Thank GOD for meetings where I can share this crap at. And for the helpful sharing from friends in the rooms.

2. Thank GOD people called out last night at work, which meant I couldn't leave early. I'm not sure I'd be writing this sober if I had gone home early. After hitting the store, that is.

3. Thank GOD I'm sober today. thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Gonna go bang my head against the wall for a while, then do some homework.

So Glad To Be Back At School

Have I mentioned how much I love school today? Except, I did this work for my Substance Abuse Councilling class and forgot it at home on my coffee table! Gah!

My Monday morning meeting was packed to the rafters yesterday. Which was great, of course. The topic was "what would you say to a newcomer and what would you say to someone who has as much time as you do". I said "Just remember what brought you here. Never forget it. Whenever you think of that nice warm, cozy feeling from a couple of drinks or a couple of lines/hits, remember how they left you before you crawled into these rooms." I know that's what keeps me clean and sober and in the rooms.

We had a cookout at the store yesterday. My colon was kind enough to remind me as to why we don't eat burgers, hot dogs or sausages with any regularity. It'll be fruit, veggies and quinoa or brown rice for the next week. I'm trying to embrace my inner colon here. No more dead animals (or animal parts that make up what I ate) for a while.

Til next time...

Six Months Sober, Baby!

That's right, I've got six months! I wasn't always sure I was gonna make it, but I did. I got my chip at the first meeting I ever went two here. It was really nice.

Since I start school tomorrow, I figured I would try out the speech recognition program. I'm trying to avoid having to cut my fingernails. I guess the program's OK. It's a little annoying having to OK every sentence I speak. And it won't select words for me to fix. But so far, as evidenced by what I'm writing, it seems to be doing OK . I don't know if I can write 10 page papers with it, But it should be OK for when my nails are wet. Actually it is getting better and better at understanding me. awww. . . It's like having a new friend to talk to. One I wanna slap the Pratt out of every once in awhile. What the hell is a Pratt . Anyway, now that I'm sober I don't think this slow. So I might have to break down and cut the mails and typed the papers by hand. Mails, huh? Sheesh ! By the way, all errors or from the speech recognition program.

Thanks for let me share .

Good Times...

Ahhh... What a difference three days off from work makes. I love being off so I can cram all the meeting time in. I spent Tuesday in my car for six hours of meeting with a friend. Then went to a meeting when I got back! Course I had less than no desire to share when I got to that meeting after the meeting (I did anyway. Always share for the newcomer I was taught.). But I had to bow out of the dinner after the meeting. I draw the line at 12 hours of AA (no I don't, but I did then). Good stuff.

Didja ever get those moments when you can actually feel the hand of God touching your soul? Like all is good, you go along with the day and all, and There it is! Just this feeling like... I don't know... like "a moment" just happened. Someone says something/you see something/nothing in particular happens but you just "feel" something and you get all misty eyed cos you know you're not alone in life. Whatever... Anyway, I get that alot. Which makes me wonder: did that happen when I was using and I was just too messed up to notice it? Or was my waking up to struggle thru another miserable day the "moment"? Hmmm...

Oh, so, six hours in the car yesterday. Took the Chesapeake Bay Bridge ($17 in tolls! OMG!) and just drove and looked at the water. Nice. Not worth the 17 (having grown up on the water on LI where it was free to get to) but doing a give and take, meeting wise and getting all that fiending crap outta my head was very good. The raw clams and fried shrimp and scallops were priceless! And the seafood shack we went to was all over the Free Tibet/Dalai Lama, which was surprising.
We finished studying the BB at our little book study meeting tonite. On page 152, where it says:

"Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

That was SO powerful for me! Cos that Was me, when I crawled back in this time! I wished for the end, and finally found the beginning! OY!

On that happy note, time for beddy-bye.

Thinking, As Usual...

So, I was mildly fiending yesterday, as usual. That's cool. It's my first summer not drinking, it's been hot out, yadda. I was talking to a friend from the meetings about it (someone I hang out with regularly). And my sponsor, of course.

Well, someone who went back out six months ago came back last week. She's been sharing and also starting the topic for meetings with "what do you do to keep from drinking". I shared that, while I need to go to meetings daily to be reminded of what I need to do to stay sober (since my memory still sucks), when things get really bad, I just have to remember what it was like the day before I got back into the rooms. And that, while I do have the free will to go back out any time I want to, I know in my heart that I probably wont make it back in again. I half joked with my friend that if I went back to drinking they'd find me with a needle in my arm and a razor blade in my hand, cos that's where I know my disease would lead me.

Then, tonite after the meeting, I was talking to another friend thats been sober for almost 2 years. Man, she was bad off! Lots of joint pain/she just needs something. The pills she takes help her but she's run out. They're not the kind of pill that you get off on. She NEEDS something, percoset or vicodin or... I was like "cmon. You'll only get strung out like I did. Do you really wanna be chasing that? Now? After all you've gone thru? Obviously you wanna be sober, or you'd not have put in so much effort here" type crap.

Then it hit me! Whatta freakin hypocrite I am! (that's not the epiphany. I knew that already)

Now, from reading all the blogs (lou, syd, kel, junky's wife, etc.), I've had that "is this what I did to people" heartache. I read what they write and I feel like they're writing about my actions. And then I dare to try to help someone, when I'm fiending myself. Sheesh!

Anyway, something for me to ponder tomorrow. Fiending sucks in so many huge ways. Does it suck enough to go back out and die over? If not, what then?

Yippeeee!!!!

YYEESSSS!!! The pimp-mobile passed inspection! That was, at least, $800 I didn't have to spend in repairs, which is good, cos I didn't have that kind of money anyway. Whoo! Whatta load off the squishy grey-matter! Ahhhhhhhh

Anyway, two stresses down, one to go (work). Or, actually, I've got a new stress. My youngest son, who only works pt, plays ps3 all day, is a slob and brings god knows who home to my ex-husbands house, is in trouble. My ex (who never likes to spare me the stressful shit that goes on in his life) told him (actually, as usual, doesn't discuss but brawls verbally) that he had to get out in a week. Son told him if that happened, he'd break in and trash ex's stuff. Hmmm... I'll be calling the boy, explain what making a threat means, legally, and tell him that I'm cutting him out of my life till he gets a ft job and his own place. It's always he said/he said with those two tho. What fun! Thank God I'm not pmsing!

I shared about the job thing at a meeting last night. All I can do tho is pray on it and leave it for God to take care of. Just like the ticket, just like the car inspection. Just like probs with my kids. I have no control. Life is so much easier when I just remember that.

Taking a meeting to a womans rehab tonite. Should be fun to look in that mirror of suffering to remind me of how far I've come. Thank God!

What to do...

Yeesh! When I chose to trade in my high-stress job as scheduler (mon to fri, 8a to 5p) for the less stressful job as garden head cashier, it was for the perk of thu-sun, 8a to 7p (4-10hr days). Since we were over hours, store wise, there was a sign over the time clock asking for any full timers to cut to 32 hrs. I offered.

Well, a month later, they wanna reneg on the 4-10 hr days to full flex (any shift, from 5:45 am to 10:30 pm, mon to sun). They act like they did me a favor by letting me go to 32 hrs. So, there goes my meetings and commitments. I know, with me, no meetings = no sobriety. If I want a set schedule, they offered for me to go part time, which means they can schedule me only 6 hrs a week. Hmmm... right. We're gonna talk about it when I get to work on Thurs. Something to look foward to, huh?

Adding to that is my resentment towards a "friend" in the rooms who chewed me out last Saturday at a meeting cos I called her to see how another friend was seen in a bar the night before by my sponsor and she accused me of gossiping. I said "No, it wasn't gossiping. It was concern." Well, it turns out it was her in the bar. She shared about it at that meeting, which I missed cos, heart pounding, I said "Fuck this!" and walked out. (this was before the meeting/no one else was there) So, I get home and that "friend" was nice enough to text me that if I needed a meeting, I could come back! Argh!

Anyway, that, plus I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket (I really have to stop drinking so much coffee!), having to take my car in for an inspection tomorrow (which I don't think it will pass and I can't afford to have it fixed) and the job thing... well... I'm stressed. But, I called my sponsor, shared it at meetings and will continue to pray on it. I'm sure God has a plan. Which make one of us!

Venting, venting, venting. Give it up... Turn it over... Keep it simple... Buy doughnuts... oh, uh, oops? ahem

Onward and Upward!

It's been a while...

Well well well... I picked up my 5 month chip tonight!! Yeah me! What a trip it's been. I've not posted in a while cos I really wanted to put my all into my sobriety this time. And I have been, trust me. As opposed to my last tries at getting sober, I have:

1. Gotten a sponsor
2. Am working the steps
3. I go to meetings 7 days a week
4. Gotten some commitments
5. Actually become involved!

I used to suit up and show up (when I couldn't come up with a good enough reason not to). Now I read, share and I actually chaired on Tuesday night! Don't get me wrong, I was sweatin bullets doing it. But I had to do it. Meetings are the one place where I can try something new and, even if I flub it, no one will point at me and laugh.

I also have one very powerful tool to keep me on the straight and narrow. I think things through. When I think of that warm cozy feeling that just two beers would give me, I remember the other ten I'd end up having and the pills I was taking and the heroin I was considering as a viable option right before I quit, because the highs weren't high enough anymore. So, sure, I can very easily have those two beers anytime I want! But, in six months I'd have no job, no place to live, be strung out and living on the streets. Not a viable option.

Now, I can't guarantee that these things are gonna keep me sober forever. But they have so far and for that, I am well and truly thankful. I know that my Higher Power loves me and is helping me along these steps. Alone I couldn't do it.

Thanks for letting me share...