Has it been 10 days already??

I no sooner uttered a promise to myself that I was gonna hit this thing daily that I stopped. Boy, but this school/work combo is kicking my old patootie! Wonder if I can stop working... hmmm... I guess as soon as I get over this habit I have of eating and sleeping on soft cushy things. And, well, there is smoking. I'd give up sleeping on soft cushy things before I give that up.

So's I don't forget my excitement of today, I'll scribble it down now. You're welcome. :o)

I got my internship set up for next semester. I'm so excited! I didn't even call for an interview anywhere other than this place, cos this is where I had my heart set on doing it. It's called The Healing Place and it's over in Richmond. It's a treatment center for men. Here's the link to a short video about the place that's on their website:

http://www.thpva.com/video.htm

I got to sit in on their community meeting this morning where they come clean about things they did wrong to the group. Things like "I fell asleep on the job" or "I didn't get my writing assignment done" or "I got angry at so and so" etc. It was great. They had openings for various positions where they voted (very democratically) on certain candidates and such. Sat in on classes, took a very long tour and then had lunch with my new buddy Richard (he's one of the teachers in the video). They all love that I'm in recovery and treated me like a little sister when they found out that I only have 7 months clean and sober. :o) They want me to come back before my internship starts in January. I'm gonna try working it out so I can help out on Wednesdays. Between that and school, I'll only have time to work fri-sun. Can you say "starving student"? I know I can! Well, there ya go. That's my life in a nut shell. Full time school, meetings, barely working. Fun huh? Better than full time working/full time drinking! I'm less tired now than I was back then.

And, while I'm thankful I got my 5 page paper done for English Comp, reliving 9/11 and how it affected me sucked worse than I thought it would. Hopefully I'll get to tuck that nightmare back into the deep dark recesses for another 7 months. I'm done with reliving that shit for now.

On that happy note, I swear I'll be back again soon.

Yippee! I'm Off!

God, how I love Sundays! I'm off till Thurs night (with school in between). I got my reading done for class on Tues (don't you just hate those cashiers that don't pay attention to you when they're ringing you up? Yeah, well I'm one of those cashiers. mwahahaha Some day I'm gonna blog about what 8 hours of "sign please, hit accept" is like. It's not pretty. Anyway...).

Just finished watching HBO's Black Tar Heroin again. Great documentary (for someone who doesn't have a family member/friend on heroin, that is). Should be required watching for every child. Drugs, obviously, are far too glamorized to kids. They need to see what heroin (and other drugs) really do for you.

Gratitude List:

1. My family - I'm sorry I missed the family get-together in NY today. I don't get home often anymore.

2. Friends in AA - My true friends. Sometimes, when the going gets bumpy, just staying sober cos I'd miss them too much if I didn't is enough to get me over the hump.

3. School - It's great to think that maybe, one day, I just might be able to put the crap I did to good use, to help someone. It makes it not seem like such a huge ugly waste of time (my using, that is).

4. My job - While I do dislike it at times, I do get to sit outside in the beautiful weather and do homework or watch butterflies and bees do what they do so well. Can't hate that!

5. My HP - Without Whom, I would be trudging rather than sauntering thru much better days. If I'd only known it could be like this! (I know, if I'd only known before, I'd still have been a mess cos it wasn't my time yet. I had to do that then to get this now.)

So, on that happy note, I must end this procrastination. I must get some more soda in me and study study study! Hot DAMN, I do soooo love studying! (somewhere in the world, a child heard that and fell off it's chair. hehehe)

I Am Thankful

My ex wanted to take me out to lunch today. Embracing my poor student status, I said yes. Went to lunch, then he said to sit in his car with him, he had to tell me something. Ut oh!

Seems "the boy" has to go to court on Tuesday for misdemeanor trespassing. This happened two weeks ago, I think he said. Which means I've been riding with the boy for two weeks back and forth to school and he never said anything. Seems he was too afraid of my reaction to tell me. Wise of him. Now I understand why he's been sick for the last week.

Now, six months ago I would have freaked!! Not today tho. I'm actually happy about it. Maybe this is what he needs to set him on the straight and narrow. Ex said the cops thought he was on something cos he was shaking so bad. Good! I'm not sure if I'm gonna miss class to go to court. I told the boy to never make me have to go to court for him cos it devastated me when I had to go for his brother 4 yrs ago (long story, but that scared my eldest onto the straight and narrow, except for the driving under the influence that he does).

I called the boy and asked how he was feeling. He said still kinda sick. I said what about the nervous breakdown he was having. He said "what??" I asked if he had nice clothes to wear for court. He said yeah. I told him "you know, I do love you" he said "I know" and I said "I am gonna kick your ass". He said "I know".

My mother used to say "You're only as happy as your most miserable child" (I think Erma Bombeck said it first). That's not true, tho, I am happier than my most miserable child cos, I know now, I have no control over this. God does and that's not me. I'll be concerned, but not freaking out (hopefully). But I didn't teach him to do something stupid like this. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Gratitude List:

1. Sobriety - I can show up for court and not be hungover or crazy emotional.

2. Serenity - I don't have to fall apart over this. And then try to drink it away.

3. I have AA in my life - I'll share about this tonite and hopefully someone newer to AA than I will see that you CAN handle life clean and sober.

4. Most importantly, I have a God of my understanding watching over me and my boys. Which is handy, trust me. :o)

Oh, and, Hannah was a letdown. The rain and the wind were ok tho. I got to sit at the register in Outside Garden in the rain and do my reading for school. That was very peaceful!

Don't Ask If The Junkey Want's To Be Fed!

I'm deleting this ridiculous diatribe because I was cranky when I wrote it, which is no excuse for such childishness on my part. I want this blog 'o mine to be about how I'm growing in sobriety and AA. Not as a place to stamp my feet and cry "Mommy! I Want! Waaaaa!" I'm keeping the title to remind myself of what I wrote, tho. :o)

Gratitude List:

1. Thank GOD for meetings where I can share this crap at. And for the helpful sharing from friends in the rooms.

2. Thank GOD people called out last night at work, which meant I couldn't leave early. I'm not sure I'd be writing this sober if I had gone home early. After hitting the store, that is.

3. Thank GOD I'm sober today. thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Gonna go bang my head against the wall for a while, then do some homework.

Dontcha Just Love The Dentist

"You're not supposed to think about dating until you get your teeth fixed first."

There is no way I'd throw away the peaceful tranquility here in my sanctum sanctuorum for anyone. I have no need to be needed, nor do I wish to need another right now. And, have I mentioned I'm going to school full time? But, with all the substance abuse, soda and smoking I've done, my teeth needed a minor overhaul. So, off to the one chair that is, to me, comparable to the electric one I also try to avoid. Made much the better by the lack of nitrous oxide (sweet air) or the post-work script of vicodin. Damn my honesty! :shakes fist at honesty:

Three hours later, not so bad! My lower jaw is numb to the gills and surely I feel like a drool factory (a vision for you). How people stuff that smokeless tobacco crap into their lower lips is way beyond me. Anyway, one jaw down, one to go.

She was actually surprised at the good shape my teeth are in, considering. I was an anal addict/alcoholic for sure. I ate good and brushed often. I had to keep this body as healthy as I could, you see. I didn't have time for too many hospital visits. Ah, the mind is a weird and wonderful thing, yes? hahaha End the run and get help? Hell no! Keep the body moderately healthy so I can continue to use? Absolutely!

Anyway, there's Advil to eat and homework to do.

So Glad To Be Back At School

Have I mentioned how much I love school today? Except, I did this work for my Substance Abuse Councilling class and forgot it at home on my coffee table! Gah!

My Monday morning meeting was packed to the rafters yesterday. Which was great, of course. The topic was "what would you say to a newcomer and what would you say to someone who has as much time as you do". I said "Just remember what brought you here. Never forget it. Whenever you think of that nice warm, cozy feeling from a couple of drinks or a couple of lines/hits, remember how they left you before you crawled into these rooms." I know that's what keeps me clean and sober and in the rooms.

We had a cookout at the store yesterday. My colon was kind enough to remind me as to why we don't eat burgers, hot dogs or sausages with any regularity. It'll be fruit, veggies and quinoa or brown rice for the next week. I'm trying to embrace my inner colon here. No more dead animals (or animal parts that make up what I ate) for a while.

Til next time...

School was AWESOME!!!

I just can't tell you how great it felt to be back in college. I've wanted to go back for so long, and now I'm there! And I have this ID that says it's OK for me to take out their books to read til my hearts content. Lordy! That alone was worth the tuition. Tho, book snob that I am, I thought "this is it?" when I saw the quantity they had. Ah well. I'm not taking classes at the Library of Congress. :o)

My class tonite was Intro to Drug Abuse. pffft. If I don't ace this class, I might as well hand in my AA chips.

Off to beddy-bye. Too excited to sleep. ::giggle::

I'm Going To College!

OMG! I got my financial aid award notice in the mail yesterday. School is being paid for! Yippee! Here I was, hating my job and kinda bored. Yet another miracle of sobriety! But, then, my son is also going and I surely hope that doesn't stress me, cos I have to take him to classes. But I'm not gonna think about that now. School starts in a week so I have to do all the paperwork today. Thank God for coffee. Oh, btw, I'm going for substance abuse councilor. Again, yippee!

Good Times...

Ahhh... What a difference three days off from work makes. I love being off so I can cram all the meeting time in. I spent Tuesday in my car for six hours of meeting with a friend. Then went to a meeting when I got back! Course I had less than no desire to share when I got to that meeting after the meeting (I did anyway. Always share for the newcomer I was taught.). But I had to bow out of the dinner after the meeting. I draw the line at 12 hours of AA (no I don't, but I did then). Good stuff.

Didja ever get those moments when you can actually feel the hand of God touching your soul? Like all is good, you go along with the day and all, and There it is! Just this feeling like... I don't know... like "a moment" just happened. Someone says something/you see something/nothing in particular happens but you just "feel" something and you get all misty eyed cos you know you're not alone in life. Whatever... Anyway, I get that alot. Which makes me wonder: did that happen when I was using and I was just too messed up to notice it? Or was my waking up to struggle thru another miserable day the "moment"? Hmmm...

Oh, so, six hours in the car yesterday. Took the Chesapeake Bay Bridge ($17 in tolls! OMG!) and just drove and looked at the water. Nice. Not worth the 17 (having grown up on the water on LI where it was free to get to) but doing a give and take, meeting wise and getting all that fiending crap outta my head was very good. The raw clams and fried shrimp and scallops were priceless! And the seafood shack we went to was all over the Free Tibet/Dalai Lama, which was surprising.
We finished studying the BB at our little book study meeting tonite. On page 152, where it says:

"Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

That was SO powerful for me! Cos that Was me, when I crawled back in this time! I wished for the end, and finally found the beginning! OY!

On that happy note, time for beddy-bye.

Yippeeee!!!!

YYEESSSS!!! The pimp-mobile passed inspection! That was, at least, $800 I didn't have to spend in repairs, which is good, cos I didn't have that kind of money anyway. Whoo! Whatta load off the squishy grey-matter! Ahhhhhhhh

Anyway, two stresses down, one to go (work). Or, actually, I've got a new stress. My youngest son, who only works pt, plays ps3 all day, is a slob and brings god knows who home to my ex-husbands house, is in trouble. My ex (who never likes to spare me the stressful shit that goes on in his life) told him (actually, as usual, doesn't discuss but brawls verbally) that he had to get out in a week. Son told him if that happened, he'd break in and trash ex's stuff. Hmmm... I'll be calling the boy, explain what making a threat means, legally, and tell him that I'm cutting him out of my life till he gets a ft job and his own place. It's always he said/he said with those two tho. What fun! Thank God I'm not pmsing!

I shared about the job thing at a meeting last night. All I can do tho is pray on it and leave it for God to take care of. Just like the ticket, just like the car inspection. Just like probs with my kids. I have no control. Life is so much easier when I just remember that.

Taking a meeting to a womans rehab tonite. Should be fun to look in that mirror of suffering to remind me of how far I've come. Thank God!

What to do...

Yeesh! When I chose to trade in my high-stress job as scheduler (mon to fri, 8a to 5p) for the less stressful job as garden head cashier, it was for the perk of thu-sun, 8a to 7p (4-10hr days). Since we were over hours, store wise, there was a sign over the time clock asking for any full timers to cut to 32 hrs. I offered.

Well, a month later, they wanna reneg on the 4-10 hr days to full flex (any shift, from 5:45 am to 10:30 pm, mon to sun). They act like they did me a favor by letting me go to 32 hrs. So, there goes my meetings and commitments. I know, with me, no meetings = no sobriety. If I want a set schedule, they offered for me to go part time, which means they can schedule me only 6 hrs a week. Hmmm... right. We're gonna talk about it when I get to work on Thurs. Something to look foward to, huh?

Adding to that is my resentment towards a "friend" in the rooms who chewed me out last Saturday at a meeting cos I called her to see how another friend was seen in a bar the night before by my sponsor and she accused me of gossiping. I said "No, it wasn't gossiping. It was concern." Well, it turns out it was her in the bar. She shared about it at that meeting, which I missed cos, heart pounding, I said "Fuck this!" and walked out. (this was before the meeting/no one else was there) So, I get home and that "friend" was nice enough to text me that if I needed a meeting, I could come back! Argh!

Anyway, that, plus I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket (I really have to stop drinking so much coffee!), having to take my car in for an inspection tomorrow (which I don't think it will pass and I can't afford to have it fixed) and the job thing... well... I'm stressed. But, I called my sponsor, shared it at meetings and will continue to pray on it. I'm sure God has a plan. Which make one of us!

Venting, venting, venting. Give it up... Turn it over... Keep it simple... Buy doughnuts... oh, uh, oops? ahem

Onward and Upward!