Oh Yeah... The Finches

Well, the hyper little shits... uh... I mean fuzzy little darlings, are gone. No, I did not shove a toothpick up their asses and char them over the heat of my cigarette. My ex expressed an undying love for the little critters that squawk (incessantly, I might add!) in exchange for his 10 gallon tank of zen like sounds of flowing water. With occupants, of course. "Did I mention Zen-like sounds?" he adds over and over. (I'm a TIBETAN Buddhist, mind you. Not Zen. whatever...)

So, the trade was made. Now I get to fatten up the new bundles of joy (for the frying pan. No?). Such outpouring of unconditional love I've never known. hohum.

Did I mention they're poop-monsters? I'm more than willing to toss one into an envelope and ship to anyone out in internet space. Just tell me where to send it. hehehehehe

Kidding :o)

Yippeeee!!!!

YYEESSSS!!! The pimp-mobile passed inspection! That was, at least, $800 I didn't have to spend in repairs, which is good, cos I didn't have that kind of money anyway. Whoo! Whatta load off the squishy grey-matter! Ahhhhhhhh

Anyway, two stresses down, one to go (work). Or, actually, I've got a new stress. My youngest son, who only works pt, plays ps3 all day, is a slob and brings god knows who home to my ex-husbands house, is in trouble. My ex (who never likes to spare me the stressful shit that goes on in his life) told him (actually, as usual, doesn't discuss but brawls verbally) that he had to get out in a week. Son told him if that happened, he'd break in and trash ex's stuff. Hmmm... I'll be calling the boy, explain what making a threat means, legally, and tell him that I'm cutting him out of my life till he gets a ft job and his own place. It's always he said/he said with those two tho. What fun! Thank God I'm not pmsing!

I shared about the job thing at a meeting last night. All I can do tho is pray on it and leave it for God to take care of. Just like the ticket, just like the car inspection. Just like probs with my kids. I have no control. Life is so much easier when I just remember that.

Taking a meeting to a womans rehab tonite. Should be fun to look in that mirror of suffering to remind me of how far I've come. Thank God!

What to do...

Yeesh! When I chose to trade in my high-stress job as scheduler (mon to fri, 8a to 5p) for the less stressful job as garden head cashier, it was for the perk of thu-sun, 8a to 7p (4-10hr days). Since we were over hours, store wise, there was a sign over the time clock asking for any full timers to cut to 32 hrs. I offered.

Well, a month later, they wanna reneg on the 4-10 hr days to full flex (any shift, from 5:45 am to 10:30 pm, mon to sun). They act like they did me a favor by letting me go to 32 hrs. So, there goes my meetings and commitments. I know, with me, no meetings = no sobriety. If I want a set schedule, they offered for me to go part time, which means they can schedule me only 6 hrs a week. Hmmm... right. We're gonna talk about it when I get to work on Thurs. Something to look foward to, huh?

Adding to that is my resentment towards a "friend" in the rooms who chewed me out last Saturday at a meeting cos I called her to see how another friend was seen in a bar the night before by my sponsor and she accused me of gossiping. I said "No, it wasn't gossiping. It was concern." Well, it turns out it was her in the bar. She shared about it at that meeting, which I missed cos, heart pounding, I said "Fuck this!" and walked out. (this was before the meeting/no one else was there) So, I get home and that "friend" was nice enough to text me that if I needed a meeting, I could come back! Argh!

Anyway, that, plus I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket (I really have to stop drinking so much coffee!), having to take my car in for an inspection tomorrow (which I don't think it will pass and I can't afford to have it fixed) and the job thing... well... I'm stressed. But, I called my sponsor, shared it at meetings and will continue to pray on it. I'm sure God has a plan. Which make one of us!

Venting, venting, venting. Give it up... Turn it over... Keep it simple... Buy doughnuts... oh, uh, oops? ahem

Onward and Upward!

It's been a while...

Well well well... I picked up my 5 month chip tonight!! Yeah me! What a trip it's been. I've not posted in a while cos I really wanted to put my all into my sobriety this time. And I have been, trust me. As opposed to my last tries at getting sober, I have:

1. Gotten a sponsor
2. Am working the steps
3. I go to meetings 7 days a week
4. Gotten some commitments
5. Actually become involved!

I used to suit up and show up (when I couldn't come up with a good enough reason not to). Now I read, share and I actually chaired on Tuesday night! Don't get me wrong, I was sweatin bullets doing it. But I had to do it. Meetings are the one place where I can try something new and, even if I flub it, no one will point at me and laugh.

I also have one very powerful tool to keep me on the straight and narrow. I think things through. When I think of that warm cozy feeling that just two beers would give me, I remember the other ten I'd end up having and the pills I was taking and the heroin I was considering as a viable option right before I quit, because the highs weren't high enough anymore. So, sure, I can very easily have those two beers anytime I want! But, in six months I'd have no job, no place to live, be strung out and living on the streets. Not a viable option.

Now, I can't guarantee that these things are gonna keep me sober forever. But they have so far and for that, I am well and truly thankful. I know that my Higher Power loves me and is helping me along these steps. Alone I couldn't do it.

Thanks for letting me share...

Sometimes weird stuff happens

I've been thinking about getting finches. Friends say i'm lonely, now that both of my boys have emptied my nest (with some prodding from me). I thought: Ok, maybe I do need a pet I can be attentive to. Let's face it, two fishies in a gallon tank don't send out the "I love you too" vibe alot.

Now, to know me is to know that, after 22 years of nurturing my boys, I'm not looking for alot of work here. I've had times where just turning on the light on the tank for said fishies and tossing in some flakes was more work than I wanted to commit to. But, the new, improved and sober me had some extra time on my hands, so...

Finches. Don't have to walk them and they wont act like queen bitch of the castle that is my apartment like a cat would. Little birdies, on the other hand... How much work could that be?

So, for no reason whatsoever, I'm driving home from work yesterday when I veer into the PetSmart parking lot and park next to a car that looked like a co-workers. I walk into the store to see, you guessed it, my co-worker! Paying for her doggie food! I mention that I was just gonna look at bird cages, she mentions she knows someone who has two male finches for sale (only $15 each!). I buy some food and stuff for them, go back later for a huge cage that's like $50 cheaper than it should be (finches need long cages to fly in cos they don't get out much cos they're so small), and, at 6:30am this morning, my co-worker drops them off and I'm now the proud mommy of two little bundles of nerves! Well, they don't know me yet and all. And I'm not sure they're fans of "New Rock Alternative" music just yet. They'll get used to it, though, I'm sure.

Weird stuff like how I got these guys has been happening since I got sober! Just one perfect alignment of the stars after another! I was craving last night something fierce. Then I got so busy that I forgot that I was craving. Someone's watching out for me, I think. :o)

Till next time...

Doing for others

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (CNN) -- At 5 a.m. on any given day, Anne Mahlum could be found running the dark streets of Philadelphia -- with homeless men cheering her on as she passed their shelter. But one morning last spring, she stopped in her tracks.

"Running really is a metaphor for life," Anne Mahlum says. "You just have to take it one step at a time."

"Why am I running past these guys?" recalls Mahlum, 27. "I'm moving my life forward every day -- and these guys are standing in the same spot."

Instead of continuing to pass them by, the veteran marathoner sprang into action so they could join her.

She contacted the shelter, got donations of running gear, and in July 2007 the "Back On My Feet" running club hit the streets.

The first day, Mahlum led nine shelter residents in a mile-long run. Today, Back on My Feet has teams in three Philadelphia shelters, including 54 homeless members and more than 250 volunteers. The group has logged more than 5,000 miles.

Requirements for shelter residents to join are simple -- they must live in an affiliated facility and be clean and sober for 30 days. Members receive new shoes and running clothes, and teams run together three times a week between 5:30 and 6 a.m.

The runners are diverse -- doctors, janitors, students and shelter residents -- but such distinctions aren't apparent.

"All you can tell is who's the fastest," says Mahlum. "You can't tell who's homeless and who's not."

For Mahlum and others, Back On My Feet is more than a running club.

"We're a community of support, love, respect," she says. Watch how the group hits the predawn streets of Philadelphia. »

Runners greet each other with hugs and words of encouragement. While members say they've lost weight, quit smoking and have more energy, Mahlum believes they're also learning important life skills such as discipline and goal-setting that can help them get on the road to self-sufficiency.

"Running really is a metaphor for life," she says. "There is always another mile. You just have to take it one step at a time."

That's something Mahlum herself has learned over the past 10 years as she's dealt with her father's alcoholism. Running has been her therapy, she says.

"I'm learning more about my life through all of this." Watch Mahlum recall a troubling moment when she turned to running. »

Back On My Feet also has a job training program for a partner. Three members are taking classes, learning computer and interview skills, while three others have found jobs.

Mike Solomon, an original member, is one of the group's success stories. A former crack user who spent his youth in and out of trouble on the streets of Wilmington, Delaware, Solomon is employed, in school and training to run a marathon in his hometown. He considers Back on My Feet part of his support group. Watch Solomon describe how he got off crack and on the run. »

"Anne is helping people see the hero in themselves," says Solomon.

Mahlum aims to have Back On My Feet in 10 local shelters by the end of the year and expand beyond Philadelphia in 2009. She believes her approach could be part of a solution to homelessness.

"Do we need homes? Yes. We need jobs? Yes," she says. "But imagine if you didn't have anybody in your life who said, 'I'm really proud of you.' Back On My Feet does just that."



I really need to start doing for others, like this lady in the story. I've spent so long wallowing in my own shit, that it's time to move on to other people's shit. With all the misery that I read about online (I stopped watching the endless misery on tv over a month ago), it's a very welcome change to read good things once in a while.

Anne Mahlum is my Hero.

What a difference a month of Sobriety makes!

So, I figured writing here will motivate me on to the next level of taking my health back. Sure, I've been sober 36 days now (long or short days, depending on the way life treats me on any given day). But, unlike all of the other times that I got sober, this time I didn't jump right on the exercise trail to a new and much improved life. I'm smoking more than one would think humanly possible; I'm not overly committed to eating healthy and I drink far too much Dr. Pepper, which has tossed any chance of meaningful sleep down the drain.

On the plus side, I am going to IOP rehab and meetings. I have a sponsor that I talk to regularly. And I'm working the Steps. That's a much better step in the right direction than I ever took.

So, where do I want to go from here, you ask? Back into Ashtanga yoga; a diet of fish, veggies and rice and a much happier and healthier outlook than the one I have right now. Though, my attitude is so much better than it was 36 days ago. Those that have had to endure my hangover-ridden poor self-esteem = cranky animal attitude of the past will surely attest to that!

Well, we'll see how it goes. Let's enjoy the ride!