Monday, November 24, 2008

Accident, Weirdness and Green Chips

Oy Vey! Where Has the time gone??

It's been a while since I've been in school. I forgot that the first couple of weeks are mellow, quickly followed by SLAM! Hoy! My head is spinning. But I'm still hangin on to my 95 average. By the tips of my fingers, but I'm still hangin on.

Had an accident with the car. My poor sweet pimpmobile (Echo). Slammed it into a solid object, I did. And now I'm forsaking it for another (rental). Nice car (G6), but it's not my highly economical Earth friendly cruiser, so there'll be no replacing, hopefully. It had to happen, though, cos I paid my car off in October.

Weirdness is when your ex-boyfriend from when you were 18, who has lived in Germany since that time, calls your ex-husband looking for you. So weird that said ex-husband has to come over to videotape your reaction just so he can spread said video to all my sisters for their enjoyment. Bastard! hahaha kidding. I just got off the phone again with the guy. Very weird/interesting.

Guess who picked up a green chip today! Yup, it was me. So much pressure, when they say that "people rarely pick up a green chip" and mine is looming in the near future. But I maintained and got it! Yippee for me! :o)

As for work, they made me a part-time employee without telling me. So, instead of 38 hrs I'm scheduled for 12 a week. Sweet! Wonder how I'm gonna pay rent/bills/the $500 deductible to get my car fixed/etc. But? If I were drinking/using, I'd be freakin. Now? Not sweating it one bit! I mean, really! Not even a drop of sweat. It is what it is and it'll all work out, somehow. If God wants me to be broker than broke, than broker than broke is what I'll be. Ah well. I woke up today and so did my kids. All else matters not to me.

So, on that cheery note, I'm off to study for class tonite. Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night. :o)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

:Sniffle: Positivity Abounds!

Why is it, for all the time that I drank, I never got sick? And, now that I'm sober, I'm sick as a dog? Just curious. Maybe my body couldn't handle feeling like crap on top of crap? Whatever.

So, I'm sick. Sniffley, sneezy, fever, aches, yada. Not as bad as a hangover, though. No feelings of letting myself down when I wake up sick, ya know?

I just love the feelings of unity and possibility that seems to be hanging over humanity since the election. I just hate the rampant bigotry that is being voiced, too. That's too bad, but there is strength in unity, so I'll just ignore the negativity and continue to have hope for the future for all people.

While I do write this blog for me, to record my random thoughts, I do want to thank those of you that posted your thoughts on my last post. You are all too kind and they helped me alot. :o)

Went back to work today, which was good. I really can't have that much time to myself (see previous post). I need structure. Oh, and the state of retail is not good, so I'm very thankful to have a job.

Snarfling off to beddy bye now.

Monday, November 3, 2008

And Then Depression Set In...

Oy! And I was doing so well.

I go to class tonite, where the topic was gonna be Opioids and I just panicked. Cold sweat, racing heart, mild depression, sick. I asked the teacher if that was the topic and if we were gonna watch a movie on it. He said yes. I told him I couldn't stay (he knows my situation). His eyes got wide and he said he was gonna do the lecture first and I just felt trapped and said I had to leave. He said he understood. I got to my car and felt like a spineless wimpy child. When will this ever end?!?!

I told myself that I've only been clean and sober 8 months. I did just get my period. I've been cleaning like a mad-woman. My vacation is almost over. I've been at a dead run since school started in August. And, to top it all off, I had dental work today, so I had opiates on the brain (or, the lack thereof) since early this morning.

I texted a friend who didn't get back to me. My sponsor is too busy and my new sponsor (cos the other one is so busy) doesn't know me that well and I didn't feel like explaining myself, so I called neither.

I came home and read blogs (just to get out of my own head) and did my nails. My friend got back to me and told me to blog about it and to write a gratitude list, so here I am. I'm so afraid of sinking into depression that I'm sinking into depression. Argh! Mebbe it's the election tomorrow. Who knows. I know what it's not, tho.

Gratitude List:

1. It's not a hangover that's causing this mood crap.

2. If nothing else, I am free to vote for whomever I wish tomorrow without fear of retribution. God Love American Freedom!

3. I have meetings all day, every day, to go to when I need to.

4. I have many friends to call when I need them. (and some who won't stop texting me while I try to do what she told me to do.)

5. I have my BB and Grapevines to read to help me make sense of what I'm feeling.

6. My boys are healthy and safe.

7. This will pass. And if it doesn't, I can get non-narcotic meds if need be.

8. I didn't find it necessary (didn't even think of as a matter of fact) to drink or drug because of it.

9. Because of this, I have the opportunity to see that I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and know that I have to work on that. Progress, NOT perfection.

10. The election is over after tomorrow. YEAH!

Ok, I feel somewhat better. I'm going to bed. Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Bedroom Switch

This deserves a post of it's own, it's so ridiculous. Laugh at my expense please.

Ok, so I rent a large two bedroom apartment. I had the master bedroom with the bathroom and the boy had the smaller bedroom with the bathroom in the hall. Since I booted the boy out to his dad's, I turned his room into a gym that I faintly felt guilty for never entering several times a day. So, fool that I am, I switched bedrooms today. Since I'll still be using the bathroom in my old room, I will now have to face my laziness everytime I have to shower/pee. Stellar thinking on my part, huh? Better would have been sticking the gym in my local FasMart, right next to the Dr. Pepper dispenser! hahahaha shit. I crack my self up sometimes!

fun times :o)

Hair Update, etc.

Is it the mayo? Is it the egg? Is it the rosemary water I make lovingly for the tresses? Or is it the Frizz-Ease hair serum? Oh, gimme a break here! I know I said "only natural", but my hair looks freakin fabulous, so don't even start with me. Yup, that's the combo to go with. Lovely tresses shall be yours, I swear. Bear in mind, (justifying statement) my hair before this was so unhealthy from the drugs/alcohol that it just looked dull and fried. Now it looks and feels just wonderful. I'm giddy!

Took my second test in Intro to Drug Use. Got an 88. With the 104 prior, I'm at 96, test wise. It'll haveta do. :o) I'm over 95 in all my classes. Seriously, if someone would have told me 8 months ago "Look. Get off the crap and you'll be an A student before you're clean 9 months" I would have cried in disbelief. Pinch me!

Hmmm... lets see. What else?

Thank GOD the elections are in two days!!! This country needs a serious dose of "Get A Grip"!!! When did the email go out that anyone is entitled to insult and strongarm others into voting for their candidate? What the Hell?? My family are sending hateful emails to each other over this crap! It is no one's damned right to know who I'm voting for and I did not ask for unsolicited advice so stop giving it to me, thank you very much! Obama's black and McCain is old. There. No need to spend millions to get that point across again, k? Sheesh! grumblegrumblegrumble

Ahem. Where was I? Hair... grades...

Oh. hehehe I'm working on conning my twin to take a vacation with me next year, after I finish school. hahaha Europe? A cruise? Our dream of fishing for salmon in Alaska? Hell no! hahaha Wish me luck on getting ms. pampered to volunteer at a needle exchange program in Cali! I think it can work cos a) I've not gone on vacation in many, many years so I'll be playing on her excitement of my leaving the state and b) she wont have to spend alot of money. And I'll be sober, so tough shit, I get to pick. If we survive that, then we can go to Jerusalem to walk the path of Jesus, like she wants to do.

Ok, fun times are over. Back to rearranging furniture. I've only run over and bloodied two toes. Eight more to go!

I'll be back before the election, I swear.