Saturday, August 30, 2008

Update on my son

Seems he was just freakin out cos he's broke and can't pay his bills. He just moved into his own apt and didn't know he had to pay rent AND security so he used all his bill paying money. Long story short, I fronted him money to pay his car pmt. Money, I don't have to tell you (but I did tell him), I'd not have if I weren't sober. I was so thankful that I could help him. And he knows he has to pay me it back (he does have alot of integrity, that child. He always pays me if he owes me money). Also, he said he's too poor to drink (thank GOD!!). And, with a mothers eye, I didn't see any bruises and his skin didn't look yellow. :o) OCD much? He does have bad dark circles under his eyes, but he's allergic to dairy and, being a vegetarian and young, he pizza loads.

Thanks for letting me share (and the kind, helpful comments on the previous post).

Oh, two things. I missed my meeting last night and damned if everyone didn't ask me where was I??? I'm like "Jeez Kids!". I love my meeting peeps.

Then, picture this. Tonites meeting... over 50 people there... I pick up my 6th month chip and the place goes nuts! Cheering! Applause! Hoots and Hollas! I'm like "shit! Calm Down!" thinking do I owe these people money or something? hahah it was way embarrassing but Fabulous!

(I vaguely recall Syd saying he's nuts about grammar and punctuation. So, if you read this Syd, take deep breaths. I'm currently enrolled in an English Composition class.)


Labor Day Weekend In Retail

I wonder what it's like to be off from work on a weekend or a holiday. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'd rather be working cos, if the lines at my store are any indication, I'd stay in my apartment anyway. I'm no fan of crowds when it's me standing in line. I don't mind being on the other side of the register tho. Have fun, all you crazy shoppers!

Have I mentioned how much I love being back in school? OMG! I'm kinda stressed, but that's all anticipatory stress. I'm on top of all my work and then some, so alls good. I hate being away from the whole college atmosphere. Damn my need for shelter and food thus having to show up at work. :shakes fist at damn need:

There's something going on with my older son, health-wise. He told me yesterday that he needs to get health insurance and that he's always bruised. I know he drinks alot and he's only 23. I don't know what to do. Do I lay out the money for a dr. visit and tests, money that I don't have? Or do I wait? He's definitely not a drama queen, so I know there's something wrong. Gah!

On that happy note, lunch is over so it's back to the nuthouse. Enjoy!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Second Day of School


Oh! I'm up (no I'm not). Ok, for $100 a book per class, someone should carry them for me. It's like carrying a 12 yr old up hill for 5 hours. I'm old. :o)

My teacher for Addiction and Prevention class (and Substance Abuse Counseling right after, tho across campus):
  1. Loves to hear himself talk
  2. Thinks people in recovery are wrong when they say that only another addict/alcoholic/whatever can help you. Hmmm... (glad I told him I'm in recovery!)
  3. Loves to keep you past the time when class is over. Lucky for me, I have to drive across Richmond to get to a class after his.
I do love being in school, tho. There's alot of reading to do, which is great with me. I told my job I'm only working Fri/Sat/Sun cos I want to dedicate Wed to nothing but studying. I'm not going to a meeting either. Just gonna fester in my jammies all day and study (and eat and smoke).

I'm not so sure that the boy (what I call my youngest son) is as into the studying as I am. And, while I have gone to 20 hrs at work a week, I'm using twice as much gas, the boy smokes my cigs and needs to be fed and watered while we're at school. Hmmm... We're gonna have to get in touch with our inner "starving college student" soon. Well, that's one way to lose that extra 20 lbs I can't afford to lose! But, the college cops were giving away free coffee and donuts this morning, so the boy and I got a second bfast while we smoked. Way to promote a stereo type tho. Cops? Donuts and coffee? Nevermind. :o) It's nice to see the boy hangin with his friends at school. And we don't sit together in English Composition class, which is cool.

So, second day/all is still duckey here. I'm gonna hammer into some of my papers that are due next month, so I don't have to worry about it. Then off to a meeting! And maybe a nap sometime before midnight?

Monday, August 25, 2008

School was AWESOME!!!

I just can't tell you how great it felt to be back in college. I've wanted to go back for so long, and now I'm there! And I have this ID that says it's OK for me to take out their books to read til my hearts content. Lordy! That alone was worth the tuition. Tho, book snob that I am, I thought "this is it?" when I saw the quantity they had. Ah well. I'm not taking classes at the Library of Congress. :o)

My class tonite was Intro to Drug Abuse. pffft. If I don't ace this class, I might as well hand in my AA chips.

Off to beddy-bye. Too excited to sleep. ::giggle::

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Six Months Sober, Baby!

That's right, I've got six months! I wasn't always sure I was gonna make it, but I did. I got my chip at the first meeting I ever went two here. It was really nice.

Since I start school tomorrow, I figured I would try out the speech recognition program. I'm trying to avoid having to cut my fingernails. I guess the program's OK. It's a little annoying having to OK every sentence I speak. And it won't select words for me to fix. But so far, as evidenced by what I'm writing, it seems to be doing OK . I don't know if I can write 10 page papers with it, But it should be OK for when my nails are wet. Actually it is getting better and better at understanding me. awww. . . It's like having a new friend to talk to. One I wanna slap the Pratt out of every once in awhile. What the hell is a Pratt . Anyway, now that I'm sober I don't think this slow. So I might have to break down and cut the mails and typed the papers by hand. Mails, huh? Sheesh ! By the way, all errors or from the speech recognition program.

Thanks for let me share .

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I've been spammed!

I feel I have arrived in blogger world. But...

Syd is the anti-christ??? Jeez, Syd. That must be a full time job. Where do you find time to spend on the water? Tho, I guess you could do it from there huh? (jmo, but I think the cretin likes you.)

Anyway, off to moderate comments. I hate that crap.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm Going To College!

OMG! I got my financial aid award notice in the mail yesterday. School is being paid for! Yippee! Here I was, hating my job and kinda bored. Yet another miracle of sobriety! But, then, my son is also going and I surely hope that doesn't stress me, cos I have to take him to classes. But I'm not gonna think about that now. School starts in a week so I have to do all the paperwork today. Thank God for coffee. Oh, btw, I'm going for substance abuse councilor. Again, yippee!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Old Thoughts Creep Up

It was a good day. For a work day, it could have been so much worse. But, at the end, I got kinda angry. Just like I used to in my using days. The "how dare they keep me over my time to leave" stupid, self-centered attitude. I was floored when the same old ending popped in my head! The "this is why I need a drink" thought. WHOA!! Where'd that come from??

Well, of course, I came home and isolated. Then I hit the blogs, smoked 20 cigs and here I am. I'll be analyzing this with God in an hour of where my mind went off track, so I'll be better able to avoid that kind of thinking in the future. That and calling some friends tomorrow if my brain starts to act all "me-me-me"ish again. Thank God for AA!

Today, I am so grateful for:

  • Having an HP in my life to turn my difficulties over to
  • Having a job I don't like, which is better than poverty
  • Great friends in the rooms that are always there for me, and that need me too
  • This blog to babble, sometimes incoherently, to
  • Very many meetings to go to, so I can't make excuses
  • Commitments in AA
  • Sober friends and normies that know BS from me when they hear it, and roll their eyes accordingly
Ok, I feel better. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day at work. I'll keep telling myself that. :o)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Good Times...

Ahhh... What a difference three days off from work makes. I love being off so I can cram all the meeting time in. I spent Tuesday in my car for six hours of meeting with a friend. Then went to a meeting when I got back! Course I had less than no desire to share when I got to that meeting after the meeting (I did anyway. Always share for the newcomer I was taught.). But I had to bow out of the dinner after the meeting. I draw the line at 12 hours of AA (no I don't, but I did then). Good stuff.

Didja ever get those moments when you can actually feel the hand of God touching your soul? Like all is good, you go along with the day and all, and There it is! Just this feeling like... I don't know... like "a moment" just happened. Someone says something/you see something/nothing in particular happens but you just "feel" something and you get all misty eyed cos you know you're not alone in life. Whatever... Anyway, I get that alot. Which makes me wonder: did that happen when I was using and I was just too messed up to notice it? Or was my waking up to struggle thru another miserable day the "moment"? Hmmm...

Oh, so, six hours in the car yesterday. Took the Chesapeake Bay Bridge ($17 in tolls! OMG!) and just drove and looked at the water. Nice. Not worth the 17 (having grown up on the water on LI where it was free to get to) but doing a give and take, meeting wise and getting all that fiending crap outta my head was very good. The raw clams and fried shrimp and scallops were priceless! And the seafood shack we went to was all over the Free Tibet/Dalai Lama, which was surprising.
We finished studying the BB at our little book study meeting tonite. On page 152, where it says:

"Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

That was SO powerful for me! Cos that Was me, when I crawled back in this time! I wished for the end, and finally found the beginning! OY!

On that happy note, time for beddy-bye.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Thinking, As Usual...

So, I was mildly fiending yesterday, as usual. That's cool. It's my first summer not drinking, it's been hot out, yadda. I was talking to a friend from the meetings about it (someone I hang out with regularly). And my sponsor, of course.

Well, someone who went back out six months ago came back last week. She's been sharing and also starting the topic for meetings with "what do you do to keep from drinking". I shared that, while I need to go to meetings daily to be reminded of what I need to do to stay sober (since my memory still sucks), when things get really bad, I just have to remember what it was like the day before I got back into the rooms. And that, while I do have the free will to go back out any time I want to, I know in my heart that I probably wont make it back in again. I half joked with my friend that if I went back to drinking they'd find me with a needle in my arm and a razor blade in my hand, cos that's where I know my disease would lead me.

Then, tonite after the meeting, I was talking to another friend thats been sober for almost 2 years. Man, she was bad off! Lots of joint pain/she just needs something. The pills she takes help her but she's run out. They're not the kind of pill that you get off on. She NEEDS something, percoset or vicodin or... I was like "cmon. You'll only get strung out like I did. Do you really wanna be chasing that? Now? After all you've gone thru? Obviously you wanna be sober, or you'd not have put in so much effort here" type crap.

Then it hit me! Whatta freakin hypocrite I am! (that's not the epiphany. I knew that already)

Now, from reading all the blogs (lou, syd, kel, junky's wife, etc.), I've had that "is this what I did to people" heartache. I read what they write and I feel like they're writing about my actions. And then I dare to try to help someone, when I'm fiending myself. Sheesh!

Anyway, something for me to ponder tomorrow. Fiending sucks in so many huge ways. Does it suck enough to go back out and die over? If not, what then?