Oy! And I was doing so well.
I go to class tonite, where the topic was gonna be Opioids and I just panicked. Cold sweat, racing heart, mild depression, sick. I asked the teacher if that was the topic and if we were gonna watch a movie on it. He said yes. I told him I couldn't stay (he knows my situation). His eyes got wide and he said he was gonna do the lecture first and I just felt trapped and said I had to leave. He said he understood. I got to my car and felt like a spineless wimpy child. When will this ever end?!?!
I told myself that I've only been clean and sober 8 months. I did just get my period. I've been cleaning like a mad-woman. My vacation is almost over. I've been at a dead run since school started in August. And, to top it all off, I had dental work today, so I had opiates on the brain (or, the lack thereof) since early this morning.
I texted a friend who didn't get back to me. My sponsor is too busy and my new sponsor (cos the other one is so busy) doesn't know me that well and I didn't feel like explaining myself, so I called neither.
I came home and read blogs (just to get out of my own head) and did my nails. My friend got back to me and told me to blog about it and to write a gratitude list, so here I am. I'm so afraid of sinking into depression that I'm sinking into depression. Argh! Mebbe it's the election tomorrow. Who knows. I know what it's not, tho.
Gratitude List:
1. It's not a hangover that's causing this mood crap.
2. If nothing else, I am free to vote for whomever I wish tomorrow without fear of retribution. God Love American Freedom!
3. I have meetings all day, every day, to go to when I need to.
4. I have many friends to call when I need them. (and some who won't stop texting me while I try to do what she told me to do.)
5. I have my BB and Grapevines to read to help me make sense of what I'm feeling.
6. My boys are healthy and safe.
7. This will pass. And if it doesn't, I can get non-narcotic meds if need be.
8. I didn't find it necessary (didn't even think of as a matter of fact) to drink or drug because of it.
9. Because of this, I have the opportunity to see that I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and know that I have to work on that. Progress, NOT perfection.
10. The election is over after tomorrow. YEAH!
Ok, I feel somewhat better. I'm going to bed. Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.
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7 years ago
6 comments:
I hear from (former) addicts, that cravings hit like that, and it is scary. You recognized it, and reacted quickly.
Put some mayo on your hair, pray for 20 minutes, and be proud of yourself for how much you have accomplished.
I've been told that my reaction around really drunk people is like post-traumatic stress. These days I'm more equipped to deal with it. I can detach more. I hope that today is better for you than yesterday. I'm also glad that you have a lot of resources for comfort.
Sounds good to ME, as if that matters -grin-
However, you might rethink phone calls...make them even if the person you're calling doesn't know you or much ABOUT you. Just the aural contact, I NEED it.
And often, your call helps the person you CALLED--and THAT'S the TRUTH! I know this!
I remember one time early on in my sobriety, I was jumping out of my skin - anxious - fearful - whatever. It's been too many years to remember what was actually going on.
I do remember that I made phone call after phone call and no one was home. I had a list of numbers and eventually reached a female - someone I didn't know. But I talked with her and by the time we finished I was better.
Making those calls really helps.
Keep up the effort and this too shall pass.
Watch out for H.A.L.T.
Get to a meeting.
Like me, it's very early in you're recovery. I remember watching those drug awareness movies in a program I was in way back when. It just made me want to run out the door and cop. I think I did. Thankfully,if someone fixed right in front of me today, it would have the opposite effect on me. Revulsion and pity have replaced my old feelings. But who knows what tomorrow will be like. That's why I love this ride.
You're doing great and helped me along the way.
Peace
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